The sound of 1-inch voices

verybody loves me. They want to hear what I have to say. Speaking of having things to say, did you see where the kids at Aspen Elementary School must use “1-inch” voices when they speak in the cafeteria? Really. Seems the principal doesn’t like to hear kids talking, which, if you ask me, makes elementary school principal a rather odd choice for a career. It’s like finding out the head of the Audubon Society goes into a rage when he hears chirping.

Anyway, we’ll get back to the Aspen school’s brilliant lunchroom rule in a moment, but first I’d like to back up my claim that everyone loves me.

Here are a few recent, actual, unedited e-mails I’ve received about my columns:

• FromWayne A: “Your sick. Your diatribe epitomize why I cancelled my subscription to the Denver Post 2 years ago.” (Huh?) • Stephen D writes: “Have a nice day. Idiot.”

• From Caroline (and I am not kidding): “You rote an inaccurate sophomoric article. Start thinking about another career.”

(Caroline: I’m almost 60 and frankly, I hardly ever think about this career. I can’t even remem-

Eber what I rote last week.)

• After a lovely portrayal of pit bull owners, Val G asked this question: “Are you as dumb as your writing comes off?” (Sadly, yes, I am.) My point here, and I don’t think I have one, is that today, I am guessing, we’ll be able to add Aspen Elementary School principal Doreen Goldyn and her assistant to the list of my loyal and adoring fans.

From the Aspen Times: “(The principal and her assistant) blow whistles in the cafeteria when kids get too loud and promote a quiet cafeteria by using signs that say ‘Stop’ and ‘Shhh.’ ”

I think I speak formany of us when I say, “Bravo, Principal Goldyn, for reacting to the sound of happy children by implementing the same warning system used by the Denver Zoo when the tiger gets out of his cage.”

Seriously, I, like Principal Goldyn, believe that if there’s one thing we don’t need these days, it’s the sound of children enjoying themselves.

So serious is Goldyn about her quiet cafeteria that she even set up aWeb link to the school’s lunchroom noise manifesto. The highlights include, “Talk quietly and only when your mouth is empty.”

Ever been in a room with a herd of second- and third-graders? For starters, their voices are very high-pitched. Not unlike hamsters. I have personally seen dogs with blood coming out of their ears after they mistakenly walked onto an elementary school playground.

And have you ever seen thirdgrade boys eat? Good Lord. If they were not allowed to talk with a gigantic mouthful of food they’d have to be kept alive with an IV tube until they were 25.

Goldyn admitted to the Aspen paper that she and her staff do indeed blow shrieking whistles at the kids. But the only time that happens, she says, is “when children are really too loud and we give them four warnings just to calm them down a little bit.”

Because— and all leading educational experts agree on this— nothing soothes and calms a child quite like blowing a loud whistle four times right behind his head.