Ask Amy

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I are in our early 20s. We have been in a long-distance relationship for 18 months.

He is my first major love and relationship. Now our current (yet tentative) plan is to move in together after my Ph.D. is done and his business settles. He is very supportive and I’m happy being with him. However, I’m not sure if I’m ready.

I’ve lost myself as I put so much energy, time and effort to our relationship, instead of investing in myself. I became emotional and I’m not as productive or disciplined as I was. I don’t know how to balance myself, as this is my first relationship. I’m not sure if a relationship is good for me or I’m ready to be in one. I want to focus and invest in myself without his influence because I’m scared of losing myself even more.

My boyfriend wants to be supportive, but we are both so clueless. Should we break up, or find a balance? Is there a way to be in a relationship and still be your most productive/career-driven self in your 20s? — Unsure

Dear Unsure: Regardless of the plans you two have made, you should dial in to that feeling in your gut. Your early-20s is a time of emotional development and exploration, and in that sense, your concern about this demonstrates that you are right on track.

The ideal — for you, for your guy, and for everyone — is to find a healthy balance, in your life and relationships. It is not unusual to feel like you’ve “lost” yourself when you first fall in love. It’s called “falling” for a reason. That sensation of tumbling through space is thrilling, but it is frightening, too. And, yes, obsessively feeding one relationship will curtail your own personal and career progress. Remember, the primary relationship in your life will always be the one you have with yourself.

You should choose to live wherever your Ph.D. takes you, in order to build a career in your field, and no — given how you are feeling, you should not cohabit until you are absolutely certain.

If you move to his city, renting a room in a group house (instead of cohabiting) might be a good

idea for you.

Dear Amy: Why is there a stigma about living with your parents?

In many cultures around the world multigenerational households are considered the norm. No stigma exists.

My home is in a very high rent area where people pay as much as two-thirds of their income for housing.

I decided to rent out two bedrooms. My renters each have their own area in the house, as do I. My tenants are my adult children. All expenses are split equally, as are household duties as defined in our tenant contract.

We respect each other’s privacy. The advantages of this arrangement allow for each of us to pay far less than we would living on our own. We all get to live in a well-maintained, nice home in a part of the country we love.

We take care of each other’s pets when someone is away. We live with people we know and trust. So far, this is working well for us. — Lea, in Santa Cruz

DearLea: This arrangement sounds ideal. I agree with you that the North American concept of rugged individualism may have created a stigma about adults living with their folks, but this same concept also allows you to ignore the stigma, and live as you please.

Dear Amy: Your advice to “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” was off base. This girls’ volleyball coach had insisted that she shave her armpits and legs.

She wears a “uniform,” as in, the coach wants his team to look “uniform.” If this young woman wants to play volleyball that badly, then she should follow the coaches’ rules. — Margie

Dear Margie: In my mind, demanding that this young athlete shave her body is the essence of “micro-feedback.” As I said in my response, unless male volleyball players are also asked to shave, I think this girl should be left alone.