Dear Amy: My husband and I have two close friends, “Jack” and “Katrina,” who are married to each other and have two children.
We are often with them and with other couples at social functions.
I recently found out that Jack has been in a multiyear affair with another much younger friend of ours, “Martina.”
I spoke to both Jack and Martina and told them they need to come clean with Katrina.
They haven’t done that and continue their affair in secret. I know this because I drive by Martina’s house all the time, where I see his car parked in front.
I confronted them again. Jack said he hadn’t told Katrina, and didn’t intend to. They told me to mind my own business.
What should I do? My husband says I should stay out of it, but if I was Katrina, I would want to know that my husband was openly having an affair.
It is also very awkward to see Jack and Katrina at events, because it seems like I am complicit in the lie by acting as if I don’t know.
Should I tell my friend? —
Wondering Dear Wondering:
You have tried mightily to interrupt this affair.
Even though your interference is excessive, I believe that yes, if you value your friendship with “Katrina,” you should tell her.
I agree with you that knowing about the affair for many months (and caring about this affair, as you obviously do), puts you in the position of lying by omission.
You might gingerly raise this to Katrina by saying, “If ‘Jack’ was having an affair, would you want to know about it?” If she answers by asking, “Why? Do you know something?” You should say that you do.
She might say “Nope, I’m good.” If so, you should let things lie.
Dear Amy: I am a divorced 60-year-old woman in a relationship with a 64-year-old divorced man, “Dave.”
Dave and I each have two adult children ranging from 28 to 34.
Dave has a great relationship with his son, but recently Dave found out, through his former wife, that their 34-year-old son was selling drugs to a small group of friends.
Dave has a good relationship with his ex, but we don’t know if “drugs” means marijuana or something else.
Marijuana is partly legal in this state, but any drug other than that would be illegal.
I asked Dave if he was going to talk to his son and he said yes, but it’s been three weeks and he hasn’t said anything to him.
Dave made one attempt by inviting his son over to his place to talk, but the son brought along his girlfriend, and he didn’t want to say anything in front of her.
I’ve lost respect for his son and feel angry that Dave hasn’t said anything to his son yet.
Should I stay out of this? —JB Dear JB: One huge advantage of dating, versus cohabiting or marriage, is that you don’t actually have any responsibility regarding notifying, reprimanding, or even having a point of view about your friend’s parenting choices.
This young(ish) adult has two parents who are aware of and concerned about him.
You do not have the right to dictate the timing of your guy’s confrontation with his son. Yes, you should stay out of this.
Dear Amy: My daughter just got married and received a very expensive gift, which was shipped to her without any identifying information.
The wedding had approximately 85 guests, so she can narrow down who it may have come from to some degree. What is the best thing to do?
She can ask guests that she has no record of a gift, and deal with the awkwardness of the fact that they may have sent nothing.
Or she can skip a thank you note, which will likely hurt the feelings of the gift giver. —Unsure Mom
Dear Unsure: She can email something like: “Please forgive the awkwardness, but I am trying to sort through the wedding gifts and packages we’ve received. One package which was shipped has no identification. If you sent a gift and your gift hasn’t been acknowledged, please let me know. We’d love to solve the first mystery of our marriage.”