Sisters’ divergent paths lead to judgment

DEAR AMY >> My older sister and I have taken different paths in life

We are both college-educated and married.

I’m currently a stay-at-home mom of two; we’re fortunate that my husband’s income currently covers all our needs.

My sister doesn’t have children. She and her husband split shared costs (mortgage, utilities, etc.) and are responsible for individual costs (car insurance, hobbies, etc.)

About 10 years ago, my sister decided to become a full-time actress in our home city and do other jobs on the side to supplement her income.

One bonus is that her schedule usually allows her to help our aging parents.

The downside is that her income is not consistent and when her husband was out of work for a few months, finances got tight.

On a recent visit home, my father mentioned to me that he was considering funding an annuity so my sister would have something for retirement.

I’ve always accepted that my sister would likely inherit more than me as a means of thanking her for taking care of our parents.

I live five hours away, so I can’t help out as often. And I acknowledge that my parents can do whatever they wish with their money.

However, I am hurt that in the same conversation about providing for my sister, setting aside a bit of money for their granddaughters’ future education wasn’t mentioned.

I want to be supportive of my sister’s choice of career, but if it’s barely paying the bills and unlikely to fund retirement, I think she needs to make other decisions.

I’d love to pursue my own artistic career, but in the next few years will likely have to return to a full-time career to help with our family’s finances.

How can I broach this delicate subject with my parents and sister — or should I just mind my own finances?

— The Not So Prodigal

Daughter

DEAR DAUGHTER >> If you would “love to pursue an artistic career,” then why don’t you? You seem to have ample means during the years you are raising children to pursue a creative career, because you have a husband who is financially supporting the household.

You should not weigh in on your sister’s career choices.

After thanking her for minding your folks and acknowledging how hard-working she is, you should absolutely stay out of this.

If you would like your father to help fund your daughters’ educations, you should ask him about it, and not link this issue to anything having to do with your sister.

DEAR AMY >> You published a letter from “Mean Mom,” who had become aware that she was often losing her temper with her child.

Years ago, my grandson told me, angrily, that I yelled at him all the time.

Although some of my frustrated scolding/yelling was probably justified, I wanted to stop useless yelling.

I created my own “Anger Management Plan.”

Each time I raised my voice in anger to anyone (my husband included), I set aside $5 for the church collection plate. (Only cash, so no tax deduction.)

It took a while for me to stop my scolding, but it worked.

The idea of an immediate consequence worked for me.

My family teased me about it, and my priest loved the idea.

Perhaps it would work for “Mean Mom.” — Shelly

DEAR SHELLY >> I love the idea of “gamifying” bad habits as a way to break them.

I recently did something similar, as a birthday gift to my cousin. I told her I would donate to her preferred charity every time I used a profanity. ( Yes, I have something of a potty mouth.)

This year for her birthday I presented her with a receipt for a (sadly, fairly sizable) sum to the charity she chose.

This has been an expensive habit to break — but this method does work.