Patient wonders about befriending physician

DEAR AMY >> I am a happily married, 54-year- old woman. I have a great primary medical provider.

“Rebecca” is a nurse practitioner in a large practice. I’ve been going to her for about four years.

Rebecca is personable, interesting, authentic, and has an easy and fun sense of humor. She asks about my family, vacations, etc., and seems to just be a good person.

From day one, I leave every medical appointment wanting to be friends with her. We just seem to have a compatible energy and sort of “click.”

At my most recent pre- op appointment, she greeted me with a huge smile and a very enthusiastic, “I’m SO glad you’re finally able to have this My mother-in-law surgery! I’m SO happy for you!” and I have not always seen eye

I have no idea if this is just to-eye on everything, but we her typical “bedside manner,” are cordial and appreciate one but I was quite touched. another.

I deeply value friendship as As the grandkids have gotone of life’s great joys. ten older and there is less of a

If Rebecca were not my docreason to communicate, I find tor, I would invite her to coffee, I am unsure when or if to call and be open to her.eithermakinga new friendw— or not.

But given the boundaries of this relationship, is there any way to figure out if we could be friends, or if this is just how she is with all her patients?

And ethically, CAN a doctor and patient become friends?

If so, it would be worth switching to a different provider in the practice, but I don’t want to make that switch for nothing. What’s appropriate?

— Wellness Checked

DEAR CHECKED >> The most “appropriate” and ethical stance is for everyone to stay in their boxes; “Rebecca” remaining your excellent and humane health care provider, and you remaining her grateful patient.

The warm personal rapport you two share enhances your medical care: you feel comfortable and communicate well — she obviously listens, remembers details about your life, and cares about you.

Despite the standard of maintaining boundaries, practitioners and patients do step out of these boxes because they are human beings and sometimes human beings just click. The OB who delivers the premature baby becomes a family friend; the oncology nurse administering chemo connects with a survivor.

Making a bid for friendship with your health care provider is somewhat risky because doing so might shift the dynamic.

If you want to take a stab at friendship outside the office, do not ask her for coffee (that’s a little too intimate).

Contact her via email (not through the patient portal), and invite her to a group event along with other friends — a fundraiser, hike, or performance.

She can then accept or demur based on her own comfort-level, and your professional rapport will be preserved.

DEAR AMY >>

hen I have called in the past, she seems happy to talk to me, but she never calls me.

I feel like I should assume if she never calls me, she must not want to talk to me. In fact, once when she was going through a tough time, she actually told me that I didn’t “need” to call her.

However, she lives alone and is getting older, and I occasionally wonder how she is doing.

I do remind my husband to call from time to time, and he does.

We see her in-person once every month or two, and she has other family members and friends who live closer and see her more frequently.

DEAR CALLER >> I think these calls you make are important — even if you always initiate. As she gets older, they will be vital ways to check in. Your mother-in-law may be shy, or a little intimidated. Some people have an actual aversion to making telephone calls – it’s a sort of inertia that can be hard to overcome. Keep it up; it’s the right thing to do.