Not turned on by March Madness? You’re not alone

There’s a problem I’ve lived with my entire life, and I’m heroically opening up about it today: I don’t like March Madness.

My goal in disclosing this deeply personal information is not to draw attention to myself but to let others who might feel the same know they’re not alone. You’re welcome.

To be clear, I have nothing against college basketball or the NCAA Tournament or anyone who loves March Madness. I’m happy for all involved. Enjoy your month! Go basketball! Eat snacks!

March Madness? It’s just not my bag, man

I just don’t share the excitement. I went to a smaller university that had a decidedly “meh” basketball program, so I don’t have an attachment to any particular team.

Perhaps more important, I pay no attention to the college basketball season, so come tournament time, asking me to fill out a bracket is like asking me to solve the Schrödinger equation, which I only know about because I Googled “most complicated mathematical equations.”

So I spend the month as a bracketless weirdo. And still, I am asked no fewer than 1,345,299 times how my bracket is doing. Because those who love March Madness assume all humans love March Madness. When I say, “Oh, I don’t do a bracket, I really don’t follow college hoops,” people look at me like I just descended from a hovering spacecraft and am unfamiliar with the ways of earthlings.

The only bracket I’ve ever busted is the one I hang my weed whacker on in the garage, and that was only because I tripped over a bucket trying to put it back.

Tournament makes it hard on those who don’t dig hoops

Beyond bracket chatter, the airwaves and news headlines throughout March are filled with talk of Cinderellas and upsets and something called a Gonzaga and a multitude of colleges and universities I refuse to believe actually exist. Duquesne? I’m pretty sure that’s a French dessert.

And for those of us who don’t stop working for several weeks to enjoy the tournament and talk about the tournament and read things about the tournament and ask people who don’t fill out brackets how their brackets are doing, March Madness lasts, almost literally, forever. And during that time, nothing else matters.

Again, I mean no offense whatsoever to those who live for tournament time. But for people like me? Man, we need something. There are only 12 months in the year, and to spend one of those months not caring about the one thing everyone else is caring about ... it’s just not healthy.

That’s why today I’m calling on my fellow March Madness non-enthusiasts to step forward and let yourselves be seen. Don’t pretend to competently fill out a bracket just to fit in. Say no. Say, “You know what, it’s just not my thing.”

Once you do that, perhaps we all can come together and figure out what our thing is. Our March thing. The thing WE want to obsess over and talk about constantly and celebrate by eating too much food and losing money.

Perhaps we can form our own tournament, of sorts

Maybe it’ll be a contest to see who can write the worst emo poetry about the month of March. We can call it March Sadness.

Or maybe a competition among popular regional sandwiches, from Buffalo’s beef one week to California’s French dip. March Sandwich.

Heck, we can just rewatch old seasons of “Survivor” for all I care. (March Probstness.) We just need SOMETHING.

I hope my public admission today helps others open up about their NCAA basketball ennui. Together, we can get through this month. And when it’s over, we’ll all celebrate with a generous slice of Duquesne (with extra whipped cream).