Navigating grief and loss, I found value of friendship

Losing one’s spouse/partner is one of the most stressful events at any age. Yet research on positive consequences of overcoming critical life events demonstrates the important role of connection with others. One can personally grow after great loss. We look at avenues for growth and contributions to society, even following loss.

When I lost my husband of 42 years, I realized that discoveries can be found in widowhood. These include exploring both enduring and evolving friendships. The value of allowing friendships to grow became apparent. Friendships change, so I decided to determine how they change and what contributes to lasting, positive friendships.

Unfortunately, some friends disappear, or choose to not assist in the ongoing growth of the widow or widower. This, while painful, can eventually assist the widow to reevaluate existing and new friendships, and to continue to strengthen them.

I wondered about what I need or want from a friendship. What do I give to a friendship? Do I need or want advice? I realized that I don’t want advice that I don’t ask for, but remain confident in my ability to seek advice and offer it when asked. To me, this is a very important component of friendship.

I have come to explore how friendships form. The ability to reach out and/or respond to others is key to forming friendships. I encourage you to not fear reaching out, the rewards can be great. Several years ago, after reading one of his columns, I reached out to writer Ray Smythe. I responded to one of his columns about his grief after the loss of his partner. After several emails, including my telephone number, he called me, and we met at one of my weekly happy hours, and have been friends ever since. This has led to several unexpected new friendships for both of us, with a wealth of experiences.

There have been several interesting discoveries, in this ongoing friendship journey through grief. One is that, with little encouragement, people are willing, even eager, to share their stories. Some are personal, even intimate. Some of these stories are happy, some very sad. I now make notes on stories people share with me, to refer back to or sometimes, to develop further, to share with others. This is another example of the wealth that comes from shared friendships.

I reflect on where I am now, in my process of friendship during grief. I continue to nurture the friends I have, and they continue to nurture their friendships with me. In the process, we all continue to grow and share. One such technique has arisen from my Sunday afternoon happy hours. Tom was still alive, between the hospital and rehab unit, when I asked two friends to come over at 4 p.m. on Sundays.

I explained that I needed my friends near me as I found Sunday afternoons to be particularly lonesome times. There is value in this, as it is enduring. My little happy hour has changed and grown. Fellow writer and friend Ray Smythe refers to our happy hour as our grief group, and we always acknowledge our lost ones, but it is really not about grief. It is about the simple, rewarding process of friendship.

I am lucky to have had Tom for as long as I did. Now, I am lucky for my network of friends.

Jo Ann Wegmann is a retired nurse educator. She lives in Palm Springs. She is co-author of “Managing the Roller Coaster of Widowhood.” She can be reached at jwegrn@aol.com .