Teen forces gay friend to get out of the closet

Dear Readers: Ever y year during this time I step away from my column to work on other creative projects. I hope you enjoy these (edited) “Best Of” Q&As from 10 years ago.

Today’s topic is: Coming out. I’ll be back with fresh columns in two weeks.

Dear Amy: I am a 15-yearold girl. I have known my friend “James” for 10 years. We are close. We attend the same school and church. Our religion is against gay marriage.

A few days ago, I was on Facebook but it was logged into my friend “Tiffany’s” account. I didn’t realize this until I read a message that James sent her. James told Tiffany that he was gay.

He said he didn’t know how to come out and tell other people.

I told my sister what I found out, and then she told my father. My dad told James’ dad, and the whole thing got back to James. James now hates me. He says that I shouldn’t have been looking through Tiffany’s messages, and that I should have kept the news about him to myself. I told him the whole stor y, but he doesn’t believe me.

Was I wrong for telling my sister? I still love James but I don’t agree with his lifestyle. What can I do to fix our friendship?

— Sad Teen

Dear Teen: “James” is right. You read your friend’s private message and then, after you knew this message was private, you disclosed it.

When you are close friends with someone, you should take your personal questions and concerns directly to them.

James now doesn’t have the option to make his own choice about how to talk about his own life because you and your family have made this choice for him.

You’ve made a mistake. The most you can do now is also the best thing to do — always. Tell the truth. Acknowledge your mistake. Ask for forgiveness, and hope it will be granted. (October 2011)

Dear Amy: I am a gay man, and I have been involved with a younger guy (he’s 25 and I’m 48) for close to a year. We have a million things in common. He’s ver y new to the relationship thing and hasn’t come out to anyone yet. He’s ver y shy about being in public with me, and I don’t think that’s as much about age as it is about being gay. I want him to meet my family, and I want to meet his one day. What can I do to help him overcome his fears?

— No Closets

Dear Closets: You say you two have a million things in common, but I can think of two ver y impor tant things you don’t have in common: your age and your life-stage.

You sound like a nice guy, but this is not a relationship of equals. You can’t pull him out of the closet; instead you are stepping into the closet yourself to guard his sensitivities. Is this what you want?

You don’t need to deliver an ultimatum but giving him some distance might actually be good. He may be able to make some choices of his own.

(May 2011)