Husband’s secret could make for awkward trip

Dear Amy: I just found out (from reading an exchange of text messages) that my husband of 40 years has reconnected with an old girlfriend.

They have been actively corresponding for about a year. Both are in their 70s.

Their relationship is far more than a happy re-connection between old friends, catching up and sharing their news. They act like they are in love.

They text, email, and FaceTime. He hasn’t talked to me at all about her.

He has been very agitated toward me, snaps at me, and gets upset over nothing.

Unbeknownst to me, he invited her to join us on our overseas vacation.

He told her that I like her and that I will be a good friend to her. (Keep in mind that I am not supposed to know any of this.)

I am very distraught about this, but I haven’t said anything yet.

Should I confront him? How do I go about it?

— Distraught

Dear Distraught: You interpret and present this communication as a direct threat to your marriage, and because of that, you must be brave enough to discuss it with your husband.

I assume that your hesitation about raising this issue is at least partly due to your fear about what this conversation might reveal. Does your husband want to end the marriage? You will have to do your best to prepare yourself for almost any answer.

One response that you will be able to predict with complete accuracy: Your husband will blame you for finding this out. I hope you can remain calm during these initial blame-making moments. Take responsibility for snooping (if you have done), and move onto the next phase of this very tough conversation, which is — “What now? What next?”

A marriage counselor could help you two to navigate this; therapy would also be useful for you alone. Even if you don’t solicit the help of a professional an empathic family member or friend can both guide and support you.

Dear Amy: Great answer to “Surviving,” the woman who had a double mastectomy during COVID.

When I had the same, plus radiation and chemo, the healthcare staff kept warning me about “cancer PTSD,” a delayed response after treatment.

I pretty much ignored them.

But then I got whacked with it, two months after treatment ended.

During treatment you sometimes do not have the luxury of feeling your feelings ... it’s about getting by and surviving.

It’s a peculiar condition, and requires a special understanding of mood swings, free-floating anger, and depression.

I’m surprised she was not warned about it. It’s a thing, for sure.

— Fellow Survivor

Dear Survivor: I hope that “Surviving” finds similar compassion from her own healthcare team and fellow cancer survivors through a support group.