Stephen Colbert on Tucker Carlson: 'I think R Kelly just got a character witness'
Stephen Colbert
On Monday’s Late Show, Stephen Colbert took a brief break from the exhausting presidential news cycle for another bombastic personality in hot water: Tucker Carlson. The Fox News host has been under fire since the group Media Matters released audio over the weekend of Carlson’s past misogynistic and racist comments.
The recordings come from a radio show, hosted by Bubba the Love Sponge, that Carlson called into most weeks between 2001 and 2006. “By the way, love sponge: the least effective method of contraception,” Colbert joked. “The most effective? Tucker Carlson.”
Colbert provided several samples of the objectionable audio, such as Carlson’s comments deflecting blame from cult leader Warren Jeffs, who was convicted of two felony counts of child sexual assault in 2011. In an August 2009 phone call, Carlson defended those marrying child brides as having “made a lifelong commitment to live and take care of the person. So it is a little different [than rapists]. I mean, let’s be honest.”
“Yes, let’s be honest, you’re awful on so many levels,” Colbert responded. “Though on a positive note, I think R Kelly just got a character witness.”
Colbert also examined evidence of Carlson’s attitude toward women, such as a call in which he said: “I love women but they’re extremely primitive. They’re basic.”
“Sure, women are primitive,” Colbert agreed, “in that right now, many of them want to throw Tucker Carlson into a volcano.”
The comments are damning, but “predictably, the president of the Warren Jeffs fan club has refused to apologize,” Colbert reported of Carlson’s response to the outrage. Instead, the Fox host has played victimization by the “Outrage Machine” for ratings, and
released a statement downplaying the situation as “saying something naughty on a radio show more than a decade ago”.
Colbert disagreed. “Naughty? Tucker, when you defend child brides, you don’t go on the naughty list. You go on that list where you have to go door to door to tell people you just moved into their neighborhood.”
Trevor Noah
Returning from a week of vacation, Trevor Noah kicked off the Daily Show with a review of some “fun” highlights from the previous week: namely, the president’s gaffe in a meeting with the Apple CEO, Tim Cook, whom he referred to on camera as “Tim Apple”.
“Tim Apple,” Noah repeated, shaking his head. “You know what I like about this one? It’s just dumb.
“But because Donald Compulsive Liar can’t let anything go,” Noah explained, the president had to make a dramatically bad attempt to save face; on Monday, he tweeted that he only referred to Cook as Tim Apple to “save time and words”.
“Well, allow me to save time and words: get the fuck out of here,” Noah retorted.
Noah then recapped the massage parlor prostitution ring that has ensnared the Patriots owner, Robert Kraft, and tangentially involves, who else, Donald Trump. The owner of the accused massage parlor frequented Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort, advertised her business as selling personal time with him and his family, and is in several photos with the president or his sons.
In other words, Trump’s capacity for shadiness is prolific. “Basically, that’s our world now: a rich guy can’t get jerked off without it somehow leading to a possible Trump campaign violation,” Noah said. “So even though President Trump never went to that massage parlor, somehow they still fucked him.”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers took a closer look at last week’s sentencing of Paul Manafort, the president’s former campaign chairman who was convicted of bank and tax fraud. Manafort was sentenced to 47 months in prison – far less than the recommended 19.5 to 24 years, with the Trump-appointed judge saying he had lived “an otherwise blameless life”.
“Well, if you take out all the stuff he’s being blamed for, sure,” Meyers qualified. “I mean, Ted Bundy lived an otherwise blameless life.”
Manafort’s sentence was considered outrageous by many, especially in comparison with sentences for other crimes. Meyers urged his audience to consider “how insane the racial disparities in our criminal justice system are”. Manafort committed fraud and lobbied on behalf of cruel dictators for decades – and was sentenced to less than four years in prison. Meanwhile, a Brooklyn public defender tweeted last week that his client was offered 36 to 72 months in prison for stealing $100 in quarters from a residential laundry room.
“That’s insane – no one should go to jail for stealing quarters from a laundry room,” Meyers responded. “And I’m saying that knowing that Donald Trump has almost certainly stolen quarters from a laundry room.”