Friends without benefits: how Joey and Rachel’s fling killed off the sitcom
Stuff a bunch of rats in a cage with no food or water and they’ll end up trying to eat each other. Stuff a bunch of rats in a cage with enough water and food and they’ll end up trying to have sex. The same was invariably going to happen with Messrs and Mses Bing, Geller, Tribbiani, Buffay, Geller and Green. They’re caged in their New York apartments (they rarely leave, except to go to that coffee place with the giant mugs). They have enough water (always sipped from refrigerated bottles. Don’t these bozos care about plastic waste?). They have enough food (usually pizzas the size of a toilet mat). They don’t need to eat each other. So they invariably turn to the next item on the survival agenda.
Friends couldn’t be any more universal. No one really drinks (they once drank five bottles of wine between them. Amateurs!). No one takes drugs (apart from Chandler, or rather Matthew Perry, who was addicted to prescription drugs). There are no smutty jokes, nor glimpses of flesh. Friends is a show that you can sit down and watch with your mum. The only weird thing, from a reserved British view, is the notches on their bed posts. The six Friends bed 138 partners over the course of 236 episodes. Joey wins with 52. How you doin’? Ahem.
Not including incest or same-sex arrangements (this was mainstream 90s), the Friends could only have coupled up in four romantic permutations anyway. Clearly, Rachel is Ross’s destiny, but the couple foolishly take a break in the third season (coining the catchphrase: “We were on a break!”). Then Ross stupidly marries Helen Baxendale in season four. Rachel accidentally has Ross’s baby in season eight. And [NOT A SPOILER ALERT, BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS SEEN FRIENDS!] they tissue-wipingly live happily after in The Last One. Their story is Romeo and Juliet for the modern generation. Except, alas, they don’t get confused and poison themselves at the end.
Chandler and Monica? Meh. Joey and Phoebe? Nah. So what the Gunther was going on with Joey and Rachel? They share a New Year snog in season five. In season eight, Joey fesses up to Ross that he’s in love with Rachel. In The One With Ross’s Tan in season 10, they totally jump the shark by actually trying to boink, but abort everything after Joey can’t get Rachel’s bra off. And he’s done it with 52 girls!
The writers had to bump off this wholly unnecessary Joechel subplot to restore the equilibrium, otherwise it would have been the worst ending since Joey Potter chose Pacey over Dawson. But using a dodgy near-shag to rescind Joey and Rachel’s Friendswith-benefits relationship was the ultimate cop-out. At least have an affair behind Ross’s back!
Beyond this unnecessary romance, the 10th season was pretty shark-jumpy anyways, mostly cueing up the finale where the Friends could finally go their own happy, but separate, couply ways. “I’ll be there for youuuu,” sing the Rembrandts. It doesn’t mention anything about sloppy seconds. Oh. My. God. Joey. What were you thinking?