Trevor Noah on Trump: 'The president has obstruction herpes'
Trevor Noah focused on Robert Mueller’s press conference and the hype, speculation and the conclusion surrounding it.
Trevor Noah: ‘For all we know, Mueller could talk like a Minion’
On The Daily Show, Trevor Noah opened with the many interpretations of the Mueller report. “According to President Trump, it’s total exoneration. According to the Democrats, it’s the road to impeachment. And according to the fortune cookie, I got last night, the lucky numbers are six, 14, which I think means Trump is going to get impeached mid-June?”
Noah commented on the enigma of Robert Mueller, noting the special counsel had not formally had a press conference since his investigation began. “For all we know, Robert Mueller could talk like a Minion.”
. Mueller announced early on Wednesday he would be making a statement “on camera live, at 11am … which is a good time because The Bachelorette isn’t on.”
After the announcement, cable news began to theorize the reason for Mueller’s press conference, which prompted Noah to mock the speculative nature of cable news. “Will he bring charges? Or will he bring sexy back? Or will he tell us he’s replacing Adam Levine on The Voice? Or will the news just wait for a goddamn hour to see what Robert Mueller actually says?
Mueller joked: “All of these people on the news would make the worst Planet Earth narrators ever.”
In the press conference, Mueller formally resigned from his investigation, and said he could not charge Trump with a crime because it was beyond his remit – but insisted he did not exonerate Trump, and said he did not “have confidence” the president did not commit a crime.
Noah admonished Mueller for causing more confusion in the American political sphere by not definitively stating if Trump had or had not committed a crime, and compared the ambiguous answer to not trusting a sexual partner.
“Like, imagine you’re about to have sex with someone and you ask them: ‘Hey, do you have herpes?’ And their response is: ‘Well, if I had confidence that I did not have herpes, I would have said so.’ You’d be like: ‘OK, this motherfucker has herpes!’”
He then returned to the Mueller
topic, joking: “Robert Mueller refuses to just come out and say that the president has obstruction herpes.” Mueller said during the press conference that any testimony he may give to Congress would “not go beyond the report” – implying there would be no reason to testify.
Noah laughed: “See, that, right there, my friends, is the conviction of a man who has booked a non-refundable vacation. He’s not going to let Congress screw it up!”