Samantha Bee on Mueller's testimony: 'Like watching depressed paint dry'
Late-night hosts discussed Robert Mueller’s live testimony and how it might affect Donald Trump’s presidency.
Samantha Bee
On Full Frontal, Samantha Bee showed footage from how Fox chose to cover proceedings, with a cameo appearance from a very tanned Rudy Giuliani. “Even his hair is tanned!” she said. “Wow, someone’s out to bag another cousin. Well, he’s a cousin-fucker.”
During Mueller’s testimony, which saw him answer questions about the contents of his extensive twoyear report on possible collusion with Russia, Bee said that he “looked like he aged 10 years”.
She continued: “He gave his testimony with all the enthusiasm and passion of a recently fired basset hound. The only way Mueller could have looked less interested in testifying this morning is if he spent the testimony wearing glasses with open eyes painted on them.”
Bee said that watching the live testimony was “like watching depressed paint dry” especially given that Mueller didn’t need to add anything to what he had already revealed. “Here’s the thing America, you didn’t need the testimony today!” she said. “If you’ve been waiting for evidence that Donald Trump should be impeached, you already have it. It is called the Mueller report.”
And if people were still asking the same question?
“The answer is yes, yes, he should,” she said. “We don’t need to force the world’s grumpiest law-daddy to read between the lines of his report when you could just read the lines.”
Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert was also underwhelmed by the morning’s activities but learned to find pleasure in the small things. At one point, Mueller said that some of Trump’s behaviour was not just problematic but that the word would be an understatement.
“Problematic is an understatement is a pretty scathing indictment for a man whose version of ‘I love you’ is probably ‘It’s safe to say there is some fondness,’” he said.
Colbert said it was clear that Trump “welcomed the help of those who were breaking the law” and one Democrat asked Mueller if he worried that this would lead to the normalisation of this behaviour to which he responded: “I hope it’s not the new normal but I fear it is.”
Colbert then joked: “It’s also the slogan for the new steak reaper ranch fries burrito”.
Trevor Noah
On The Daily Show, Trevor Noah started by saying that Mueller’s 450page report was “450 pages too long”.
One of the morning’s most interesting moments saw Mueller revealing that Trump could be convicted of obstructing the law after he leaves office. “So you know what that means?” Noah asked. “Trump is never leaving office.”
Throughout his time being interviewed, Mueller was often asked to read out sections of the report to which he consistently refused. “He’s like the world’s least co-operative audio book,” Noah said.
He continued: “Poor Robert Mueller, man. The guy spent two years writing up an incredibly thorough document and now people are badgering him with questions he’s already answered. It would be like if Jesus came back and we spent hours asking him to explain stuff that was already in the Bible”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers ridiculed Trump’s claim that he wouldn’t be watching the testimony since he watches “more TV than is medically advisable”.
He’s also sure that Trump hasn’t read the 450-page report. “There’s no way Trump’s ever read anything that long in his life,” he said. “If he gets a fortune cookie, he hands it to one of his aides, saying ‘Just give me the gist.’”
Meyers then ran through Trump’s unhinged Twitter activity that morning. “His tweets would make more sense if they were scribbled on paper and faxed to a newspaper under the Zodiac symbol,” he said.
He found it strange that Mueller was constantly being asked to confirm paragraphs from the report that he wrote himself. “He already wrote down everything he knows,” he said. “It’s like if you called in Ernest Hemingway to grill him about one of his books.”