Hillary Clinton said it was 'gutsy' to stay with Bill but what did she mean? It's complicated
Hillary Clinton has a deep well to draw from when asked about the challenges she’s faced. But her admission yesterday that staying in her marriage was the “gutsiest” thing that she’s done in her personal life was remarkable. In part, remarkable because over the years she’s stayed pretty quiet when it comes to discussing being married to one of the world’s most exposed philanderers, only occasionally alluding to what must have been some very painful experiences. In part, remarkable because who doesn’t like a glimpse into what makes a well-known marriage tick?
As a central and defining arrangement that so many diverse cultures have in common, marriage is a unique (and dare I say it, strange) institution. A public-facing framework for, well, feelings. While religious bodies, governments, society and your gossipy neighbors next door have long done their best to set clear rules around what marriage is and means, how a marriage should be conducted can only really be known and understood by the key participants – and they might not even be in agreement.
(Ask my husband and I why we got married, and he’ll say ‘for love!’ and I’ll say ‘for health insurance! Also, love!’ )
“Why do they stay together?” is a fun question to ask, because who doesn’t like to discuss the love lives of others? And of course they’re especially easy questions to ask about people in the public eye, whose lives we feel like we have access to, even as we don’t know what goes on when, say, they’re hanging out in their yoga pants in Westchester. The answers, if they’re not unknowable, are sometimes very unromantic. Sometimes the reasons why a couple stays together might feel a little bit icky, but if another person’s marriage makes you uncomfortable, that’s on you: you’re imagining how you would feel if you were in that marriage, rather than allowing the people in question to feel their own feelings. Our thresholds of acceptance and intolerance are so personal and complex. I’m sure that over the years a lot of people have regarded Clinton’s marriage and thought, “she should leave him”, while just as many have thought, “yes, that makes sense to me”.
Does Hillary feel like a gutsy wife because she stayed in her marriage despite public exposure and disapproval? Maybe. It’s brave to withstand the pressure of public opinion. Or does she feel like a gutsy wife because she stayed married to a man who is difficult to be married to? It’s brave under any circumstances to commit yourself to sharing a life with another person, even when they do things that are not loving or kind.
Maybe the gutsiest thing of all is to recognise how challenging it can sometimes be, to do it, and to not feel the need to explain.