Jimmy Kimmel: for Trump, 'things that are true are false'
Jimmy Kimmel
On Tuesday night, Jimmy Kimmel paused to refocus the facts amid the White House’s blitz of denial over the snowballing Ukraine scandal. “The president and his minions have been telling everyone who will listen that the allegations that have now evolved into an impeachment inquiry are based on hearsay,” Kimmel said, but “that’s not the case.” He pointed to a statement released on Tuesday by the inspector general of the intelligence community (IGIC) – an official appointed by Trump – which “debunked” several of the president’s claims.
First, the inspector General confirmed that the whistleblower who filed the complaint about Trump’s call with Ukraine, which prompted House Democrats to launch an official impeachment inquiry last week, offered “direct” knowledge, not secondor third-hand, as the president has said. The inspector general also “determined that the complaint was both urgent – and that it appeared credible”.
“Basically, the IGIC gave the president an F you,” Kimmel explained. In a normal situation, he continued, this would end the claims of hearsay. But this case clearly calls for applying what Kimmel called “the fundamental theory on which the Trump presidency is based: the theory of inverse validity, which states that things that are true are false”.
Under this theory, for example, you don’t have to worry about climate change – “We could just say it isn’t happening and the weather is fine.”
Furthermore, the theory of inverse validity states that “things that are false are true”, which means if, say, you “need your inauguration crowd to be bigger than it was, or a hurricane to hit Alabama, or to not have paid off a porn star you definitely paid off”, Kimmel said, “just do what Trump does. Just flip it on its head.”
Trevor Noah
On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah focused on Trump’s personal lawyer and frequent cable news guest Rudy Giuliani, one of the key figures in the whistleblower complaint. The Ukraine scandal “may also take down Rudy Giuliani”. Noah said, but “the question is: has Rudy Giuliani done enough to also be impeached?”
To find out, Noah held a faux trial, white wig and all, on his mock court show Judge Mental. The first charge he heard was meddling in foreign affairs; given that Giuliani was mentioned in the whistleblower’s complaint 30 times and was the person directed by Trump to work with the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelenskiy, Noah reached an easy conclusion. “Yes, it appears Rudy Giuliani was the anus of this entire operation – everything passed through him and it stinks to high heaven.”
Thirty mentions in the complaint is “29 times too many”, Noah continued. “I mean, you know you’re in trouble if you control-F your name in a whistleblower’s report and the screen lights up like a motel bed under a black light.”
As for personal conduct, Giuliani’s recent appearances on cable news – in which he claimed to show texts on his iPad from the state department, thus implicating them in the Ukraine scandal, and contradicted himself in a viral CNN appearance – weren’t helping his case. “It says a lot when you’re the most unhinged person on Fox News,” said Noah.
Given the evidence, Noah’s court reached a swift verdict: “On the charges of interfering in foreign affairs, acting as the president’s personal thug, and just being an overall hot mess in breach of the Hot Mess Act of 1834, this court finds you, Rudolph William Dracula Giuliani, guilty!”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert dove into the latest chapter of the ongoing saga of “Don and the Giant Impeach”. “This Ukraine scandal is moving faster than a chalupa through a goose,” Colbert said as he pivoted focus to Trump’s inner circle of advisers.
First up, Colbert said, is the attorney general, Bill Barr, who is investigating what many view as conspiracy theories about the origins of the Mueller investigation in 2016. Barr recently sought help and encouragement in his investigations from British and Italian government officials.
“Bill Barr is traveling the world trying to prove that all of Trump’s conspiracy theories are true. He’s going to find Obama’s birth certificate. He’s going to rescue all the people that aliens abducted from Trump’s inauguration crowd, and finally bring help to hurricane-ravaged Alabama,” joked Colbert.
The “next domino about to fall”, Colbert said, is the secretary of state, Mike Pompeo, who took part in the Trump-Zelenskiy phone call. “He was on the line, even though he was asked about it two weeks ago and he played dumb. I mean, like, ‘I-think-peoplesomeday-will-forget-I-was-a-willingpart-of-this-administration dumb.’”
Colbert mimicked Pompeo’s stumbling appearance on ABC this week, in which he stuttered through a nonanswer on whether he had read the whistleblower complaint. “Well … you just gave me a report …” Colbert said. “Oh, this elevator is going down.”