I asked the public to send me anonymous confessions. I learned some terrible truths
It was my friend Chris who started me off. He does like a moan. “I miss the old internet,” he whinged, “I miss going on message boards and complaining about my job and being able to say what I liked without fear that I’ll get cancelled.”
Chris has a point. It’s not that Chris is hiding awful opinions and needs to be chased off the internet, but who can argue that migrating everything to social media hasn’t created a perfect storm where a cathartic bit of grumbling can create terrifying consequences?
Even at the level of whining about TV on Twitter. There’s always a dirty grass that’ll @ the staff in the replies and suddenly your “blimey, ITV sucks goats” diatribe looks like a personal attack on some poor person doing their job.
Mass interconnectivity has turned us all into tabloid journalists, dobbing each other in to cause maximum chaos, and then sitting back and watching the world burn. And there’s no way out, it’s not like we’re all going to go back to old internet – it’s gone.
So I thought, let’s create a safe space for Chris. A place where Chris can really moan and there will be no consequences, because Chris’s name isn’t on it. A place to vomit into the void. A Diana memorial book of condolences for the modern world. For Chris and anyone else who fancies joining the daily howl.
So I set up an anonymous Google form, asked people to confess, and over 6,000 confessions later I have learned terrible truths that no human should ever know.
So are you ready for the ride of knowledge into the dark heart that beats beneath the sunny updates on Facebook? Come with me gentle friend, come with me for an insight into humanity in all its filth.
• Everyone urinates in sinks
Even women occasionally. What’s more worrying is the confessions of peeing in dishwashers. Stop it you filthy dogs.
• People are having a lot of affairs They’re shagging colleagues. They’re shagging sex-workers. They’re shagging the boss. Everyone is humping, unless they’re not and they’re saying they haven’t have sex for 15 years. It’s a drought or deluge out there.
• Dogging might not be fashionable but it’s still a thing
Can’t you just use an app like a normal person?
• So many people are in bullshit jobs
People are drunk in meetings, they are walking around with a notepad pretending to be important, they’re hiding in the loo playing phone games. Basically there’s no work done and the UK is a joke country running on empty and no one wants to be the person to upset the apple cart and tell the truth. • People hate their colleagues
They don’t know their names. They’re seething with resentment. Or they’re lusting after them. Listen up 45year-old middle management guy – she doesn’t fancy you – although she might smile politely while wishing you were dead. Like we all do.
• People have surprising toilet habits
Sit to wipe or stand to wipe? Where do you sit/stand on this important issue? Forget #brexit this is #bumsit. • People drink a lot
Oh god, just put down the bottle: 14 units a week is one-fifth of a bottle of wine a day. That’s a small glass. If you want more, move to Spain where they suggest up to 35 units a week. Hic.
• You should never accept a cup of tea from someone who hates you • People are carrying a lot of guilt Let it go, people, let it go.
• So much supermarket theft You’re pushing chickens through as carrots, you’re not paying for bags, it’s robbery central at your local Co-op. • People are paranoid
I get accused of collecting IP addresses for blackmail. Nothing could be further from the truth: only Google knows the details. And if Google is running a blackmail operation then we’ve got bigger problems in society than Fesshole.
• But the public are comedy geniuses
I know social media gets a lot of stick but my god people are funny and endlessly inventive.
• And finally, wearing knickers is popular
There are so many submissions from men wearing ladies’ underwear that it made me wonder if I’m missing out. Am I being radicalised into wearing silky briefs? No. This is not happening. I’m going back to my 80s music Facebook groups. It’s safe there, it’s just me and my old Duran Duran records.
• Rob Manuel is cofounder of B3ta.com, and has written for GQ, Wired and The Times