Trevor Noah: Trump is turning a pandemic into 'a fight about racism'
Trevor Noah
Studios from New York to LA may be shut down for social distancing, but coronavirus hasn’t kept late-night hosts from stringing together monologues from their homes. “Right now, we don’t know when we’re going to go back to the studio,” said Trevor Noah from his couch in New York. “We don’t know IF we’re going to go back to the studio, and I don’t think any of you know any different.” But since the coronavirus has “changed everybody’s lives”, he explained, the Daily Show staff are “all just going to chill at home and use the technology we have to try and make a show”.
The first episode of the “Daily Social Distancing Show” addressed, unavoidably, the latest in coronavirus spread. Not all of it is terrible, said Noah, such as a story out of Italy about a small town of 3,000 people bringing its cases to zero by testing everyone. “The key to stopping coronavirus is testing,” said Noah, though “what’s scary about testing is that the cases are going to go up, because the more people we test, we’re gonna discover more people have coronavirus. But at least we’ll know how many people have coronavirus, you know?”
For example, on Wednesday, Kevin Durant of the Brooklyn Nets revealed he tested positive, which means players from at least the Jazz, Pistons and Nets have the virus. “It’s going around to all the NBA teams – except the Knicks,” said Noah, “because not even corona wants to be on the Knicks.”
Meanwhile, Trump has insisted on calling coronavirus, AKA Covid-19, the “Chinese virus”, a racist choice he defended in a press conference on
Wednesday. “You know Trump is the only person who could hold a press conference about a pandemic and then turn it into a fight about racism,” said Noah. “Who does that?”
Finally, Noah addressed the surge in ER visits from non-emergency young people. “Doctors need our help,” he said, adding, “the hospitals are overwhelmed. They can’t handle that. Like, I know they’ve shut down the bars, so maybe you think the ER is the hot new hangout, but it’s not, people. Yes, they have alcohol, but it’s rubbing alcohol – it’s not the same thing.
“When you go to the ER and it’s not an emergency, you’re overloading the system, overloading the hospitals – you’re taking care away from people in really desperate situations.” He advised following CDC guidelines if you feel sick: self-isolate for a few days, and see if your symptoms develop. “Emergency rooms are like flights on Spirit Airlines,” he concluded. “You should only go there as a last resort.”
Stephen Colbert
“The coronavirus continues to be everywhere,” said Stephen Colbert from his porch in New Jersey, as West Virginia became the 50th state with a confirmed case. “So we’re all in this together – no red states or blue states, just 50 anxious, pale states. This is a crisis that we have to face together by staying as far apart as possible.”
Despite coronavirus, three Democratic primaries were held yesterday in
Arizona, Illinois and Florida. “Strangely, not that big of a story today,” said Colbert. “It’s like the equivalent of two old men playing Monopoly while their house burns down. Technically yes, somebody won, but that’s not really what we’re talking about the next day.” Biden won all three states handily, with a 40-point margin in Florida. “He dominated every major Florida demographic: seniors, snake-owners, meth addicts, senior meth-addict snakes,” joked Colbert.
As the Late Show team prepared to take a scheduled week off, Colbert signed off with a hopeful message: “If there’s one good thing that might come out of this crisis, I think it’s that in this seemingly divided nation, people are doing their best to protect the country’s collective wellbeing. Everywhere you look, people are looking after each other – getting food or cleaning supplies for their neighbors, regardless of what that neighbor’s politics are. Democrat, Republican, socialist – it doesn’t matter right now. We can still disagree about many things, but this crisis has driven home – literally, home – the truth that this is one great nation, united by our belief in, and our need for, each other.”
Samantha Bee
“If there’s one takeaway from the videos the other late-night hosts have put out it’s that they have incredible homes,” said Samantha Bee from a wood shed somewhere clearly not in New York City. “But I can do you one better: I’ve got a woodshed. Why? Because I’ve been preparing for something like this for years.
“So now that we’re all operating at Defcon shit-my-pants levels, I live out here to protect my wood,” she said while ineffectively chopping wood. “I’m going to give you daily tips for how to survive and thrive while also social distancing.
“Many grocery stores across the country are running out of basic items, like hand sanitizer and bleach wipes, and those shortages are due to people who hope to resell them like true unbleached assholes,” Bee said. “It’s deeply sad that the Beanie Baby of today is a two-ounce bottle of Purell, but here we are.”
Jimmy Kimmel
In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel offered a “daily mini-logue” from his couch. “Remember when we used to think we’d never get to all the shows on Netflix? Well now we have,” he said.
Kimmel also addressed Trump’s decision to call coronavirus the “Chinese virus”. “You know, they say a great way to prevent a virus from spreading is to name it something racist – that way they keep it on the down-low,” said Kimmel. “I don’t know why he does this. Actually, I do know why he does this – it’s to deflect blame away from him. It’s like when he started calling Eric and Don Jr the Ivana kids.
“Right now, we are basically living through a disaster movie in which the president is being played by Gary Busey.”
Kidding aside, Kimmel had a serious message for viewers, especially seniors: stay at home. “I don’t know about you, but some of the people in my own family – and you know who you are if you’re watching – think it’s OK to go to pilates now because they wipe down the machines. Or to go to the DMV this week, which is a disgusting place to go when there’s no virus to worry about. And then you yell at them, you gang up on them, but they don’t listen, which is going to force us to do something drastic, something we don’t want to do, like taking Bluebloods away. You want that to happen? Don’t let us take Donnie Wahlberg from you, because we will. Stay at home.”