'I was just lost': Coco Gauff says rapid rise and hype led to depression
“I’m just a kid who has some pretty big dreams” is how Coco Gauff describes herself on her Instagram handle. Now the American teenager prematurely regarded by many as the eventual successor to the 38-year-old Serena Williams has spoken for the first time about how her life was descending into a nightmare before her career had properly begun.
Gauff, who turned 16 last month, says her doubts about embracing a life in tennis crystallised when she first played at Wimbledon as a junior, a year before her spectacular run to the fourth round in the championships last summer.
“Right before Wimbledon, going back to around 2017-18, even though I had, it felt like there weren’t many friends there for me,” she writes in Behind The Racquet, an online platform for players to tell their story in their own words.
“When you are in that dark mindset, you don’t look on the bright side of things too often, which is the hardest part. I don’t think it had much to do with tennis, maybe just about juggling it all. I knew that I wanted to play tennis but didn’t know how I wanted to go about it.
“It went so far that I was thinking about possibly taking a year off to just focus on life. Choosing not to, obviously, was the right choice but I was close to not going in that direction. I was just lost. I was confused and overthinking if this was what I wanted or what others did.
“It took many moments sitting, thinking and crying. I came out of it stronger and knowing myself better than ever. Everyone asks me how I stay calm on court and I think it’s because I accepted who I am after overcoming low points in my life. Now, when I’m on court, I am just really thankful to be out there.”
Gauff quickly built on her Wimbledon achievement, and expectations rose further when, awarded a wildcard, she reached the third round of the US Open, then the last 16 in Melbourne, where, for the second time in seven months, she beat Venus Williams in the first round of a slam.
All the while, she presented a disarmingly mature front, surprising even seasoned observers with her calmness as big contracts rolled in and experienced opponents succumbed to her big serve, solid ground strokes and allround tennis smarts. The hype was properly kicking in. No turning back. Only glory beckoned. Just as Serena was fighting to seal her legacy with a 24th major that would move her level with Margaret Court in the all-time list, Gauff was already being crowned as the best prospect of her generation.
Yet, as she describes poignantly, she was privately struggling to handle the pressures that so damaged Jennifer Capriati, Tracy Austin and Andrea Jaeger. Many years after their struggles,
Gauff has Bianca Andreescu and Naomi Osaka for company, but, as for all of them, hers is a journey she has to travel alone, and, as she reveals, it has been difficult.
“I’ve always wondered how better or worse my life would be without tennis,” she says. “I found myself too busy comparing myself to others. Most of my friends go to normal high school. I felt like they always seemed so happy being ‘normal’. For a while I thought I wanted that but then I realised that, just like social media, everyone isn’t as happy as what you see in their posts.”
As the wins mounted and she rose to 49th in the world rankings – the youngest player in the WTA top 100 –
Gauff observed: “My results were still OK, so this didn’t have much to do with tennis. I just wasn’t happy playing anyway. It is challenging to do school alone while you can’t socialise with other students.”
However, she appreciated the upside as well. She has adapted. “Even though I may miss some things, I think this lifestyle I live is perfect for me, and it’s not for everyone. Travelling is never easy. I have two younger brothers and we are all really close. Every time I leave them it hurts a bit. I miss one of my brothers’ birthday every year because it falls right in the middle of the French Open.”
That won’t happen this time: due to coronavirus the French Open’s organisers want to move it to the end of August, just after the US Open. Gauff’s home grand slam tournament is now likely to be cancelled, after the mayor of New York declared this week he could not envisage large gatherings in the city for the rest of 2020.
Gauff’s tale is troublingly familiar. Capriati struggled to overcome very different problems away from the court and burned out before she got out of her teens. Injury prematurely cut down Austin and Jaeger. Gauff, Andreescu and Osaka have it all before them, good and bad.
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 or emailjo@samaritans.orgorjo@samaritans.ie. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found atwww.befrienders.org.