From Downton to Belgravia: a guide to the posh programmes of Julian Fellowes
“Toot-toot bibble,” booms Julian Fellowes as he plunges his baronial buttocks into his ergonomic Georgian swivel chair. “And what shall one write about today, hmm?” The question is, of course, rhetorical. Fellowes will write about period-specific toffs and their plucky, plebbish subordinates and he will call it Downton Abbey. Then, following a brief phone call from his agent, Fellowes will grudgingly reach for Mr Parker – his low-born but nonetheless doughty ballpoint retainer – and, sighing heavily, proceed to cross out the words Downton Abbey and in their place write something like “Belgravia” or “The English Game” instead. It is the way of things. The circle of life. The cravat, if you will, of crushing inevitability. But how to distinguish between these indistinguishable television series? Here is a mercifully brief guide.
Downton Abbey
(ITV, 2010–2015)Imperishable celebration of all things toff, forged in sherry and molten bunting.
Hours of: Napkins. Maggie Smith’s nostrils flapping like windsocks at some cutlery-based infraction. Teatowel truisms granted Grade II-listed status because they’re delivered by voices like melting plus fours. Golden retrievers peering disapprovingly over their copy of The Daily Panjandrum. Tumescent footmen. A palpable yearning for a time before the impertinences of modern-day drama; a time when one could buy a dropsy subplot for a shilling and still have change for a quarter-bag of Off-Screen War®, what-what. Scones.
Typical quote: “What is a weekend?”
Titanic
(ITV, 2012)It’s “wankers aweigh” as Sinky McSinkface ploughs monocle-first into a solid block of yawn.
Hours of: Pouting flibbertigibbets doing Updeck, Downdeck with expressionless steerage hunks. Clockwork functionaries shouting “rivets” across nautical miles of green-screen exposition. Consumptive mimsies laughcoughing: “I love you, Henry Wilde!” then dying. Blustering aristos forced to abandon a game of cribbage due to this confounded “iceberg” nonsense playing havoc with Viscount Comeuppance’s handlebar mousta … splutter … glub.
Typical quote: “There won’t be any problems, not on the Titanic!”
Doctor Thorne
(ITV, 2016)“Do hurry up with the oolong, mother, Lovejoy’s just said ‘umbrage’ next to a horse.”
Hours of: Umbrage. Horses. Lovejoy’s Ian “Lovejoy” McShane bastarding around “BARCHESTER ENGLAND 1856” (sic) while harrumphing nobs in stovepipe hats busy themselves with a script made from leftover kedgeree and mechanically separated cravat. Manslaughter. Parasols. Putatively amusing things (picnics, horses, fat people) accompanied by what at first appears to be a standard comedy tuba but, upon closer listening, is actually a recording of Fellowes laughing about tax credit cuts in his local branch of Waitrose.
Typical quote: “Why shouldn’t I care about bonnets?”
The English Game
(Netflix, 2020)It’s History 0 Entertainment 0 as Baron Fellowes of West Stafford discovers both “football” and “““The North”””.
Hours of: Balls. Vowels. Thoroughbred ninnies doing “gentleman’s dressage” across manicured pitches. Grunting northerners doing EXT: SIMMERING INSURRECTION in shorts the colour of dung. CGI chimneys chuffing out cheery clouds of historical revisionism. The line “Those are the rules and rules are made to be adhered to.” Porridge-faced mill workers shouting “Oi” as they chase pantomime industrialists across the same endlessly looped stretch of cobble.
Typical quote: “The best way to bring folk together is by winning the
FA Cup!”
Belgravia
(ITV, 2020)Waterloo. Couldn’t escape if we wanted to. (And Christ knows we’ve tried.)
Hours of: Liverish maids grumbling: “They’ve got us women stitched up an’ no mistake,” over a tureen of botched posset. Everyone else squawking “mimble inheritance bimble Napoleon Bonaparte rhubarb” into their handkerchiefs while the soundtrack titters and hoists its britches up to its armpits. Momentary gasps of awe re: quality of lawns/presumed enormousness of acting budget drowned out by Philip Glenister repeatedly bellowing the word “inducements” in a hat.
Typical quote: “What is this newfangled ‘tea’?”
Belgravia concludes Sunday April, 9pm, ITV 19