TV sorcerers whipping up a delicious computerised lie for La Liga
Last weekend, television coverage of the Bundesliga was enhanced by artificial crowd noise that drowned out the squeaky-trainers-in-school-hall soundtrack for a more satisfactory ambience. It wasn’t perfect, but it proved an artistic decision that pleased everyone, one way or another: either an aural comfort blanket during unsettling times and a baby step back towards reality, or an opportunity for an iconoclastic hot whine on the old social media disgrace. Thank you, TV sorcerers! What would supporters worldwide, and indeed your severely uninspired Fiver, do without you?
They’re taking things up a notch on Thursday evening in Spain, as La Liga returns with the Gran Derbi between Sevilla and Real Betis. In normal times, the Ramón Sánchez Pizjuán would be filled with over 42,000 excited Andalusians hoping to attain local bragging rights, or at the very least witness a bench-emptying 40-man stramash. But as we’ve known for the best part of 20 years now, these are not normal times. And so top video-game manufacturer EA Sports and some company or other called Vizrt have been drafted in to whip up a delicious computerised lie for the duration of the upcoming 40day, 110-game festival o’futbol. 1 UP! Ready!
This Vizrt lot are in charge of virtually repopulating stadia across the land, filling them with images of fans in home-team colours. The Fiver was sorely disappointed to discover that they’re not the digital arm of a certain Newcastle-based periodical, but a collective of Norwegian whizz-kids who produce real-time digital content. Bah. Our dream firm of Biffa Bacon, Paul Whicker the Tall Vicar, Skinheed, Roger Mellie, Rude Kid and Mrs Maybee and her Crazy Baby will remain unrealised for a while yet.
As for sonics, the folk behind the Fifa games will plunder their files for some bespoke singing and chanting.
Now, none of this is the same as 40,000odd real people in situ giving it plenty, of course it’s not. But it’s better than sterile silence. And at least the computer-game programmers that football has been forced to go cap-in-hand to are technologically advanced enough to deliver a passable simulacrum of real life. Had this situation arisen during the 1980s, for example, we’d have been tuning into scenes of Andoni Goikoetxea and Diego Maradona high-kicking each other in the throat to the onechannel strain of In the Hall of the Mountain King while desperately trying to avoid capture by a hungry toilet. So however it looks and sounds over the next month, let’s be nice. The boffins are trying their best.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE!
Join Scott Murray from 9pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Sevilla 2-2 Real Betis.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s been a hell of a journey” – Martin Braithwaite gets his chat on with Sid Lowe to talk about all things Middlesbrough and Barcelona, plus the years he spent in a wheelchair as a child.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
A Football Weekly special: Black Lives Matter, racism in the game and representation in sports media. And Football Weekly Extra will be out soon, too.
FIVER LETTERS
“Empty stands at matches (Fiver passim) are a chance to introduce TV audiences to music beyond rough-andtumble jock jams and Premier League orchestral hits. Pipe in Brian Eno for some peaceful bus-parking, blast Ornette Coleman’s free jazz to lend chaotic tension to a high line, or, in the case of my Spurs, fill the arena with Captain Beefheart so that the field of play contains something more confusing than Serge Aurier’s throw-in technique” – Seth Kleinschmidt.
“Re: the Travis last line of Tuesday’s Fiver, I just wrote to say, here’s your answer” – Pål Jørgen Bakke.
“Yesterday’s Fiver mentioned the last time Everton beat Liverpool in a league match, 10 years ago. What you didn’t also mention was, that very same day, there was a Football Weekly Live on in the city. I remember Andy Hunter being quite unimpressed with Mr Roy, and a certain Irish contributor wearing quite a challenging shirt. I’d lost my voice shouting when Mikel Arteta scored the second goal so was unable to provide feedback on the shirt at the time. This feels like a good opportunity to make amends” – Tim Jones.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Pål Jørgen Bakke.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Premier League shirts will show support for Black Lives Matter and the NHS when games resume next week.
Dele Alli has been given a onematch ban and fined £50,000 for an offensive social media post about coronavirus in which he mocked an Asian man. “It was an extremely poorly judged joke about a virus that has now affected us more than we could ever have imagined,” said the Spurs and England player, who claimed he was “betrayed” by a friend who sold the video to a newspaper.
World Cup organisers in Qatar have again come under fire after an Amnesty International investigation found that around 100 migrant workers at one of the tournament’s “crown jewel” stadiums had not been paid for up to seven months – despite the authorities knowing about the problem last summer.
USA! USA!! USA!!! Soccer’s board of directors have repealed a 2017 policy that required national team players to stand during the national anthem.
Jill Scott has agreed a two-year contract extension with Manchester City that will see her become a player-coach. “I want to reiterate that I’m a player first and foremost,” she roared.
And La Liga president Javier Tebas reckons fans will be back at matches before the season ends next month. “If we can get 10% or 15%, we would be happy,” he cheered.
STILL WANT MORE?
Fear not, Liverpool fans, advises Barney Ronay. Time may prove that you never anyway.
York City are in cold storage while waiting to find out if they will be denied the National League North title, explains Jim Waterson.
Premier League memories, Euro 2000, Denis Compton playing for Arsenal, plus Dunfermline Athletic in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Coventry and Rotherham might be going up but they and other Football League clubs face severe challenges fancied Timo Werner over the summer and beyond. Ben Fisher reports.
John Harding recalls when, four years before the start of the second world war, Germany were invited to play at White Hart Lane.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
WONDERING IF HATCHET MAN – THE COLUMN THAT GOES IN HARDEST – OR THE FOURER HAVE ANY ROOM IN THEIR BUBBLES?