As footballers return to day jobs, who will feed the nation's children?
Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder. But what makes it grow even fonder is an obscene comparison. Naturally, then, after several months of daily news briefings from gaffers who have led a whole nation to relegation and heartbreak, The Fiver is actually looking forward to next week’s resumption of honest-to-goodness post-match press conferences with Premier League managers. Frank Lampard’s Chelsea manager Frank Lampard blaming VAR for a narrow defeat doesn’t seem so objectionable after hearing how that shower in real power have accounted for tens of thousands of losses that matter.
Still, tricky questions remain about the imminent return of the Premier League, such as: with footballers getting back to their day jobs, who will feed the nation’s children? Will Marcus Rashford have to carry on providing assists on that front too? And after Jordan Henderson helped buy essential hospital gear for nurses in recent months, should we expect some shambling suit from the Ministry of Health to send in a few useful corner kicks as Liverpool resume their quest for the title? And does hoping a misgoverned population forget about the pain in their lives because Norwich are fighting for survival amount to a form of sportswashing?
If you need The Fiver to answer those questions, we’re all jiggered. So let’s just grant ourselves momentary relief and consider this: there’s a decent match on the box on Friday! Juventus host the once-admirable Milan in the second leg of their Italian Cup semi-final. It will presumably be preceded by a Star Wars-style recap: “A long, long time ago in a reality far, far away, Milan and Juve played the first leg and drew 1-1 …” Mind you, not everyone is placated by football’s return. In Bergamo, where thousands of lives were lost to Covid-19, a group of ultras hung a banner outside Atalanta’s stadium reading: “Disgusted by an absurd decision. You chase the millions, not the ball.”
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We’ve spent years protesting against the fact that La Liga wants to make us the props for their broadcasts, but with this move they have gone one step further. Now all they need to do is replace the players and they’ll have reinvented video games”– CGI fans at the Seville derby were a bit too dystopian for Emilio Abejon of Spanish football clubs’ collective fans’ group FASFE.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Well, well, well, Fiver. I never knew you had it in you. In yesterday’s edition I was pleasantly surprised to find that, after a routine fact-check, Andalucia does indeed spread west as far as the Portuguese border. Huh! In the very same sentence I then learned of the rather splendid word ‘stramash’. Thinking I should probably quit while I’m ahead, I was invited in the next paragraph to recall the simple pottymouth pleasure of Rude Kid from Viz only for you to provide a no-less-thanperfect dismount with an on-point Manic Miner reference. You’re targeting a fairly narrow demographic there but hey, for once I’m applauding you. I’m not sure it was worth waiting 10 years but why let that spoil the moment” – Glenn Leete.
“With this Vizrt lot in charge of virtually repopulating stadia across the land, filling them with images of fans in home-team colours (yesterday’s Fiver), wouldn’t it be wonderful for readers of a certain age to see the heaving throng of Sid and Doris Bonkers berating hapless, tight-lipped, ashen-faced Ron Knee, aged 59. Just a thought” – Jim Hepple.
“Re: music at football matches (Fiver letters passim). I am not sure how much of a Mahlerphile The Fiver is, but his second symphony is almost 90 minutes long. I accept that parts of it may not lend themselves entirely to a football match, but a last-minute winner scored to the sounds of the final chords would be quite something. It’s also called the Resurrection Symphony – seems somewhat appropriate” – Patrick Brennan.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Patrick Brennan.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Sheffield United and Manchester United have agreed a deal in principle for on-loan keeper Dean Henderson to stay with the Blades till the end of the season.
Liverpool and Manchester City fan groups have asked to be given input on the Premier League match, given that it’s the only one without a confirmed venue and is only a matter of weeks away.
A number of League One and League Two clubs are understandably worried about starting next season behind closed doors, because without fans where’s the cash?
Charlton say they’ll “vigorously defend” a “ridiculous” high court insolvency action against the club from former chief suit Matt Southall.
And Australian referee Jarred Gillett is set to become the Premier League’s first flamin’ foreign official after impressing with the whistle in the Championship.
STILL WANT MORE?
“Yes, Sir Alex was a challenge to talk to, any reporter who dealt with him will tell you that, but if you were professional and asked him actual questions he would work with you.” ITV’s pitchside reporter Gabriel Clarke gets his chat on with Sachin Nakrani and recalls how he managed not to get on Lord Ferg’s nerves.
Everton’s Izzy Christiansen also gets her chat on with Louise Taylor, explaining why she joined Common Goal and that she’s optimistic the WSL will bounce back.
Juventus v Milan is just one of the mouthwatering cup ties this weekend in Italy but, much like The Fiver, some would prefer football to remain STOPPED, writes Nicky Bandini.
Nick Ames answers the key questions surrounding the Premier League’s Project Restart so that you don’t have to.
If you know the alphabet you’ll have worked out that Friday’s Premier League restart previews are Leicester City and Liverpool. Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! Steven Pye takes us back to a time of plastic pitches, new romantics and Ipswich in Europe as he tests your knowledge on football in the 1980s.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
MAHLER, IS IT?