'It’s how I feel. It’s not how you feel': four teens explain why they reject the gender binary
Who decides your gender? A growing number of kids say it is up to them – and are rejecting the traditional markers of “male” or “female” in favor of identifying as “genderqueer”, which refers to people who don’t fall squarely within the gender binary. Stars like Indya Moore have come out as nonbinary and use they/them pronouns, and non-binary characters are increasingly featured in breakout TV shows, such as Asia Kate Dillon’s role in Billions.
Yet non-binary kids say they are widely misunderstood, and they face prejudice. Donald Trump, for instance, recently decreed that protections against healthcare discrimination were to be applied based exclusively on biology rather than one’s inner sense of gender.
Today the Guardian is launching Genderqueer generation, a series of stories centered on, and often told by, the children and young adults who are rejecting traditional gender identities. We began by asking four of them to describe how they realized they were nonbinary.
Ari, 18, Connecticut: ‘The first time someone used my pronouns I almost cried’
I don’t know really how I came to identify as non-binary as much as I came to identify as not a girl first. Until I was seven, I loved dresses and glitter and sparkles and everything. And then something changed. I don’t know what it was. I was like, I hate girly things. I hate the color pink. And I think that was me becoming what I like to call a conscious human being.
Then I thought, what if I am a boy? And I was just like, no, that’s gross! Which is not very kind to boys. But no, that’s not me.
I didn’t know at all what I was experiencing or doing until I had the internet to give me the words to describe it. I remember I was on vacation sharing a bed with my mom because we didn’t have enough rooms, and I was on my phone in the dark while she was passed out and snoring, just watching videos about what it meant to be non-binary and what it meant to be asexual or aromantic. And I was like, huh?
I don’t know how I would have found this information otherwise. There just isn’t a convenient, socially acceptable way to pass this information along unless you can be anonymous or protected by that screen. I did research and I bought a book called The ABC’s of LGBT+ by Ash Hardell. It’s so bizarre these days to do research with a physical book in your hand. But I did it and I thought, this makes more sense.
When I came out to my parents, I couldn’t provide an adequate explanation, so I got my book and showed it to them. The book gave us the right words to have a conversation about these kinds of topics, and from there my parents have been going above and beyond to try and be accepting of me.
At school it was more of a gradual thing than a quick change. But one day in Gay-Straight Alliance, in freshman year of high school, I was sitting next to my friend who had recently started experimenting with they/them pronouns. I thought, you know what? I’m just gonna do this thing and see if it feels better.
I walked up to the whiteboard and I wrote, “Ari is now using they/them pronouns.” I sat back down and that was it. Nobody even talked about it. Just the president said, “Here’s an announcement,” and pointed to the board. And everyone was like, OK.
The first time someone – not a great friend, just an acquaintance – used my pronouns, I almost cried. It was so casual, and in such casual conversation, and I thought, holy shit, that feels so much better.
Jaiden, 17, California: ‘I try my best, but I understand some people may see me as female’
In middle school I was self-discovering and I switched labels a lot. After talking to some therapists I came to the conclusion that “non-binary” is a good label for me right now. I’m waiting until I’m 18 to see a gender-specific therapist to see if maybe binary female-to-male transition would be a better fit.
I never really came out because it’s not a big deal to my parents. My mom grew up around the LGBT community, so she doesn’t really mind. In my mother’s language, Tagalog, they actually don’t have gendered pronouns at all. So a lot of Filipinos, they understand for the most part. People are respecting of it.
At school I go by they/them. My teachers call me Jai. I haven’t ever explicitly said I’m non-binary, except to a few teachers I’m really comfortable with. But for the most part, I put they/ them on my emails.
Especially if you’re AFAB – assigned female at birth – a lot of people have the idea that you’re just a tomboy. I really don’t like being called a tomboy because that implies I’m a girl.
There’s no “look” to being nonbinary, but you also have to put in a little bit of effort. You can’t just go on with day-to-day life as you were doing as a cis person and say you’re nonbinary because it gives off the wrong impression. And regardless of whether or not that’s right or wrong, it’s kind of just how society is. That’s something that people who don’t like the idea of non-binary can use against you.
For me, I like the color purple, I like some things that are traditionally feminine, but I also like my hair short, I don’t like being grouped with girls, I didn’t like being in the locker room for PE. Even though my parents let me buy boy clothes, it was harder to convince them to get me a chest binder. So I try my best – but I understand people may see me as female.
River, 18, Portugal: ‘I haven’t come out to my family’
I discovered the whole LGBTQ community online around 2017 when I started using social media more often. I was coming to terms with myself and