Never mind the bull or the fish … meet the serpent-bearer
Name: Ophiuchus.
Age: Eternal.
Appearance: Connect-the-dots drawing of a man holding a snake.
Also known as: The 13th sign of the zodiac.
There are only 12 signs of the zodiac. Not any more. Now we have to reckon with the constellation of Ophiuchus, the Serpent Bearer (29 November to 17 December).
Who says? Nasa, in a recently resurfaced blog post.
What happened? Did Ophiuchus just suddenly appear? No, he has always been there. The first recorded mention of Ophiuchus was around 300BC, and there is evidence the Babylonians recognised him much earlier.
But the zodiac signs – the constellations the sun passes through across the year
– were restricted to 12 by astrologers for convenience.
So, if you were born at the start of December you are actually an Ophiuchus instead of a Sagittarius? That’s the idea.
So instead of “adventurous, optimistic and good with horses”, you’re what? A snake-handling oddball.
Luckily this doesn’t affect me, because I am a Gemini. It affects everyone: the presence of Ophiuchus shunts all the other signs along. People who thought their star sign was Gemini are now Taurus.
That’s impossible. I don’t have any of their traits. Are you sure? Tauruses are kind and patient but also stubborn and uncompromising.
Oh God! It’s all true! Why has Nasa done this? It hasn’t, really. The blog post – written in 2016 – has been largely, perhaps wilfully, misunderstood. Nasa’smain point was that dates assigned to constellations are completely off any way because constellations are different sizes – Ophiuchus is the biggest – and there are as many as 21.
Does this mean we need to completely rethink the entire zodiac system in order to produce accurate horoscopes? No, we don’t need to do that.
Why not? Because astrology is nonsense.
What do you mean? It doesn’t work, and it never has. The stars do not affect
your personality, your romantic prospects, your financial situation or your future.
But astrology is ancient. Ancient rubbish. I’m sorry.
But the sun … The sun does not actually travel through constellations. It just looks like that, because the Earth is orbiting around the sun.
But Nasa … Nasa knows all this, and deep down, so do you.
If I’m not a Gemini, then I don’t know what I am. You can still be a
Gemini for the purposes of making smalltalk with people at drinks parties.
That’s something, I suppose. Not really, but whatever.
Do say: “Avoid handling serpents today, and tomorrow, and the next day.”
Don’t say: “This could be the moment you realise that your whole life has been meaningless up to this point.”