Colbert to Tucker Carlson: ‘Masks aren’t the reason humans don’t want to contact you’
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert blasted Tucker Carlson for taking the discussion on outdoor mask usage to its most outrageous, absurd end.
In what Colbert called a “hissy fit” about mask wearing, Carlson claimed masks turned “citizens into drones” on his Fox News show on Monday. “They isolate us and alienate us, they shut us off from one another. Masks prevent intimacy and human contact.”
“Tucker, masks aren’t the reason humans do not want to contact you. It’s because you say stupid stuff like this!” Colbert responded. “Even before lockdown, intimacy was not what I was looking for from strangers in public. No one says, ‘gosh, it was so much more personal when you could see the subway masturbator’s happy little face.’
“But old mother-Tucker has a way to restore human contact and intimacy to public life: harass other people’s kids,” Colbert added.
In a rant that, true to Carlson form, obliterated the line between sincere argument and trolling, Carlson called putting a mask on a child “abuse”.
“Your response when you see children wearing masks as they play should be no different from seeing someone beat a kid in a Walmart,” Carlson said. “Call the police immediately, contact child protective services.”
“Yes, Tucker wants you to keep kids safe,” Colbert deadpanned, “and the best way to do that is to send an army of Fox News conspiracy goons to the playground to have their parents arrested.
“Tucker, if you’re going to spend the summer yelling at kids, you don’t have to wear a mask any more,” he concluded, “but I would wear a cup, because parents are going to drop-kick your balls into your sternum.”
Trevor Noah
Joe Biden announced on Tuesday a welcome step forward in ramping down pandemic precautions: fully vaccinated Americans can forgo masks outside, except in large crowds, based on new guidance from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). “Guys, I’m so happy,” said Trevor Noah on the Daily Show.
“Now we won’t have to give each other dirty looks when we’re walking past each other on the street just because of wearing or not wearing masks,” he continued. “Now we can go back to the good old days of giving each other
dirty looks because of racism, classism, sexism, ableism, homophobia and those people who wear Adidas pants with Nike shoes – what are you doing?”
Noah celebrated the milestone, but took issue with the CDC’s messaging around the relaxation of mask-wearing, which involved a convoluted chart of red, yellow and green risk levels for masked and unmasked people in “fully vaccinated” and “unvaccinated” columns.
“Look people, I know science is difficult and this is a novel virus and all of that, but who’s running messaging at the CDC?” Noah ranted. “The shit you’re saying to people is incoherent. Telling us these new vaccines are 95% effective, and will stop coronavirus, BUT we still can’t do things without a mask on anyways, which is it?”
To quote Dr Rochelle Walensky, director of the CDC: “Until more people are vaccinated and while we still have more than 50,000 cases a day, mask use indoors will provide extra protection.”
“It’s not clear messaging, especially if you’re desperately trying to convince people to get the vaccine,” Noah added. “Could you imagine if every time you ordered an Uber it was like, ‘Oh, your Uber is coming in five minutes, but maybe also get a Lyft, just in case!’
“I know the CDC is just trying to cover all the bases, because maybe there’s a tiny chance you could get corona even if you’re vaccinated,” Noah concluded. “But if that messaging ends up convincing people that there’s not much of a reason to get vaccinated at all, then we’re shooting ourselves in the foot, which is not something we should do. Or as the CDC would put it: masked guy in an indoor red zone.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“This new loosening of our collective muzzle couldn’t have come sooner for Tucker Carlson of Fox News,” said Jimmy Kimmel. “He’s very upset. America’s favorite man-Karen is so upset about children being forced to wear masks he’s encouraging other likeminded individuals to get the authorities involved.”
Kimmel played a clip in which Carlson urged viewers to call authorities if they see children wearing masks, since “what you’re looking at is abuse, it’s child abuse and you are morally obligated to attempt to prevent it”.
“Tucker is, of course, very sensitive to the needs of children since he is one himself,” Kimmel said. “The guy said nothing after Sandy Hook. Now he wants you to call the cops – ‘There’s a kid with cotton on his face.’”
In further outrage-baiting, Carlson also said parents should respond to mask-wearing as if their kid had been punched in the face by a teacher. “Spoken like someone who got punched everyday in the face on the soccer field in fifth grade,” said Kimmel. “What kind of an analogy is that? I mean, who’s at home nodding along to that?
“Is it possible that Tucker Carlson is actually a top-secret Sacha Baron Cohen character that he’s going to reveal to us?”