Vampires, naked apes and free booze! The 20 wildest Eurovision performances ever
At Eurovision, you have three minutes to impress the world. While an unforgettable song and stonking vocals are key to getting douze points, how else can you make your performance stand out? With bewildering stunts, surreal lyrics and distracting props, of course! With the biggest event in europop returning this week, let’s revisit some of the weirdest performances over the years – the ones that really made Terry Wogan and Graham Norton wince.
20. Who let the wolves out? (Belarus, 2016)
Eurovision features about 20 songs in just two hours. Make yours stand out by starting with a hologram of you naked, beside a howling wolf, like Belarus’s IVAN. Naturally, Help You Fly failed to qualify for the grand final, meaning that the only people who were subjected to it were BBC Four viewers waiting for the semi-finals to end so they could watch a Swedish murder drama.
19. Vampires are 2007) alive! (Switzerland,
“VAMPIRES ARE ALIVE … in Helsinki!” began this surreal Swiss pop entry, which occasionally veered into Pirates of Penzance territory. It was especially odd because, despite the subject matter, neither DJ BoBo nor his crew resembled vampires. As Eurovision rules stipulate that you can’t have more than six performers on stage, a row of mannequins were added at the back to make the stage look busier. The result? A band of not-vampires lost in the pants department of a Marks & Spencer.
18. Wheely good fun (Ukraine, 2014)
Where would we be without Eurovision’s infamous hamster wheel? Mariya Yaremchuk’s performance, TickTock, featured the dancer Igor Kuleshyn performing all manner of tricks inside one, even inspiring a scene in the 2020 Netflix film Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga, starring Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams. In the film, McAdams’ character, Sigrit, gets her scarf caught in the hamster wheel, causing the wheel to roll off its stand with Lars (Ferrell) inside it. All in all, not much weirder than the Eurovision performance.
17. Helium to the rescue! (France, 2008)
If you are unsure whether you are going to hit the high note at Eurovision, you can always take a leaf out of Sébastien Tellier’s book. The French musician, who arrived on stage driving a golf buggy, inhaled a helium balloon midperformance, thereby raising his voice a couple of octaves. Tellier ended up coming 19th in that year’s final. The UK? 25th.
16. Pianos to the rescue! (Ukraine, 2018)
Pianos have been used in Eurovision in many weird and unexpected ways over the years. In 2014, Romania’s entrant performed on a circular piano that floated around the performer as if it were one of Saturn’s rings. In 2015, Austria pretended to set theirs on fire in the hope of getting votes (they ended up getting nul points). But nothing beats Ukraine’s 2018 entry, which featured the singer Mélovin using his piano as a coffin, from which he rose like a vampire. As you do. He later played the piano atop a burning staircase. “You asked for Eurovision, you got Eurovision,” quipped Norton.
15. 2017) Yodel-ay-hee-no (Romania,
Romania’s 2017 entry didn’t just contain a wonderful ode to workplace culture (“Sitting alone at my desk on a 9 to 5 programme … get another coffee, get another one to make it through”); it also featuredsustained, terrible yodelling. This wasn’t the first time yodelling featured at the contest (Austria 2005, since you ask), but this one stands out because it ended with one of the most awkward kisses in Eurovision history.
14. We (aren’t) the champions (Lithuania, 2006)
It is unusual to hear boos at Eurovision. Yet boos are what we heard before and after Lithuania’s entry back in 2006, when LT United performed their subtle entry We Are the Winners (of Eurovision). Their lyrics were even more subtle (“Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote for the winners.”) They came sixth.
13. Anchorman meets Blaine (Azerbaijan, 2013) David
Azerbaijan’s 2013 performance was high on Anchorman Glass Cage of Emotion
vibes, featuring Farid Mammadov performing on a box while another man danced inside one. All British viewers got were flashbacks to David Blaine’s glass box stunt near Tower Bridge in London in 2003. “Answers on a postcard, please,” said Norton at the end of this performance. “Not sure if the man inside was dancing or had just run out of air.”
12. No, that isn’t a stage invader … (Italy, 2017)
This hugely popular Italian entry by Francesco Gabbani featured a gorilla breakdancing and waving to the crowd. The song covered Buddhism, spirituality and other philosophical takes on modern life, with the gorilla representing the fact that we are all “naked apes” on the inside. As you would expect, those themes went over everyone’s heads as viewers shouted excitedly about the monkey.
11. The mile-high clubbers (United Kingdom, 2007)
In 2007, the UK decided to put forward a tongue-in-cheek, super-camp airline themed entry by Scooch. Their inclusion in this list is largely down to the innuendo of their lyrics: “Would you like something to suck on for landing?”
To be fair to them, they were holding a sweet.
10. Don’t air your dirty laundry (Bosnia and Herzegovina, 2008)
Sometimes a song comes up at Eurovision with jokes or references that just don’t land. In 2008, Estonia’s entrant held up signs with pictures of onions on them, while Bosnia and Herzegovina’s Pokušaj arrived on stage by popping his head out from inside a laundry basket beside a washing line (before singing ever so slightly out of tune). Incredibly daft … and yet it worked.
9. Shake what your mama gave ya! (Poland, 2014)
This (admittedly satirical) Eurovision entry won’t be forgotten in a hurry. It featured one person churning milk, while another suggestively washed some clothing as singers sang: “We’re Slavic girls. We know how to use our charming beauty. Now, shake what your mama gave ya!” UK viewers were overwhelmingly positive about the band, putting them at the top of the televote. The UK jury was not pleased – and placed them last.
8. ‘Like being Butlin’s’ (Moldova, 2018) high
Moldova is known for submitting some rather quirky entries ( just you wait for Epic Sax Guy), but this is certainly one of the oddest. Behind a series of opening and closing doors, we see people being, er, intimatewith one another, leaving you constantly confused about how many people are on stage. Described by one tweeter as “a song that makes you feel like you’ve taken mushrooms at a Butlin’s in the 70s”.
7. Free booze! (Greece, 2013)
An infectious entry from 2013, in which the Greek singers performed in Greek, apart from the chorus: “Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol is free! Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol is free.” The irony of that year’s contest being held in a Nordic country wasn’t lost on Norton. “You would have to sell your car to get a pint,” he said.
6. Say what? (San Marino, 2019) at
San Marino, a country with a popu