Clamping koala: how a new sex guide prompted complaints – and delight
Name: Clamping koala. Age: Newly coined. Appearance: Seated facing partner, legs crossed at the ankle, with the option to lean back. What is it, some kind of yoga thing? It looks a bit like that, yeah.
So is it an exercise? Not exactly, although you would probably end up burning some calories.
What is it then? It’s a sex position.
Nonsense. I know all three sex positions, and that’s not one of them. Actually it’s one of 60 listed in a comprehensive guide produced by Norwegian public TV broadcaster NRK.
Sixty? Does that include missionary? Yes, misjonaer is there, along with spaghetti, silkworm, wheel of fortune and the flamingo.
The flamingo? Standing on one leg. Who stands on one leg? And which leg? Don’t worry – the whole thing is illustrated with explanatory black and white photographs, for the benefit of all Norwegians.
Why so many? They include positions for same-sex couples, pregnant women and people with back pain and bad knees. If the position didn’t have a Norwegian name, they made one up – hence klemmende koala, the clamping,
or squeezing, koala.
What prompted the broadcaster to produce such a guide in the first place? Public duty. “NRK wants it to lead to increased knowledge, greater openness and security, inspiration and new conversations about sex,” said the guide’s editor, Reidar Kristiannsen, “which ultimately means that even more people get a sex life they enjoy.”
I’ll bet there have been loads of complaints. Yes, about 97.
Is that all? How many people have seen it? More than 850,000 since it launched on 11 June.
And where are they seeing it, exactly? It’s on NRK’s website. The pictures are all of real couples, and no one is actually having sex in them – they’re just posing.
I still can’t believe taxpayers’ money has been spent on this. It’s Norwegian taxpayers’ money.
Even so, I hope it comes with a suitable warning. It does: “Remember that you do not have to try all the positions.”
Well, that’s a blessed relief. But you never know, you might find something new and challenging you’d like to try out.
Are you offering? I’ll get back to you. Do say: “It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you both enjoy it and it has a funny name.”
Don’t say: “We call this one giraffe on a ski lift. I hope you’ve got a wide angle lens.”