Colbert to Cuomo: ‘Don’t let that door hit you on the butt on the way out’
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert celebrated the resignation of the New York governor Andrew, Cuomo, on Tuesday amid a ballooning sexual harassment scandal, a stunning end to a precipitous fall in public and political favor. “Don’t let that door hit you on the butt on the way out,” Colbert quipped, “but if it does, that door should also resign.”
Cuomo will still be governor for 14 days “for reasons that I do not understand”, Colbert added. “Evidently, he gave himself two weeks’ notice.”
Cuomo’s resignation comes a week after New York’s attorney general, Letitia James, presented a 165-page report outlining allegations of sexual harassment and groping by 11 women.
In the press conference announcing his resignation, Cuomo stopped short of contrition or humility. “In my mind, I’ve never crossed the line with anyone,” he said. “But I didn’t realized the extent to which the line has been redrawn.”
“I don’t know exactly what line he’s talking about,” Colbert joked in response, “but hopefully he’ll explain it in his new book Andrew and the Purple Crayon.”
In less terrestrial news, the billionaire Tesla CEO, Elon Musk, announced plans to put billboards in space. “No, Elon, no!” Colbert responded. “Mankind gazes up to the stars to wonder ‘What’s up there? What’s my place in the universe?’ Not, ‘What would you do for a Klondike bar?’”
The ads won’t be that giant; according to a report from Business Insider, the Canadian start-up Geometric Energy Corporation plans to place advertisements on SpaceX rockets next year, which will be filmed via selfie stick and livestreamed to platforms like Youtube. “Oh good, using the pinnacle of human ingenuity and engineering to make more of everyone’s favorite part of YouTube: the ads,” said Colbert.
Finally, American “Flavortown” connoisseur Guy Fieri unveiled a new culinary triumph. Or, to quote a Fox News headline: “Guy Fieri invents Apple Pie Hot Dog with Chevrolet for MLB’s Field of Dreams game.”
“And we’ve officially found it: the most American sentence ever written,” said Colbert. “Sorry, ‘we the people’, this is our constitution now.”