Drastic action for football is probably the best course of drastic action
There’s only one more sleep until The Fiver’s festive awards! But who are we kidding? Let’s face facts, Christmas is already banjaxed, you only have to take one look at the prime minister’s glaikit boat to realise that. Having already got to the point where renowned socialist-state firebrand Elizabeth Alexandra Mary of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha has taken the advice of an “unelected Covid public health spokesperson” and shelved plans for a festive family gettogether, we’re fast approaching a place where fun might have to be parked for an indefinite period in order to rein in this damn virus. Don’t shoot the messenger, but this could be 2020-21 all over again.
A contagious disease which has killed millions and is once again ripping through the country isn’t exactly choice subject matter for The Fiver, given our struggles to raise so much as a sympathetic smile when presented with glaringly obvious comedic tap-ins at the best of times. But here we are. Thursday’s big match between Leicester and Spurs was called off earlier, the Saturday showdown between Manchester
United and Brighton quickly following suit, and now further postponements are surely just a matter of time. In fact, has another just been made, right now, this minute? Might be worth you checking.
Drastic action is probably the best course of drastic action here, and needless to say, nobody plans to take any yet. At least not until the horse has done one, making off with the stable door and both of the hinges, purely out of spite. Brentford boss Thomas Frank is the lone voice in the wilderness, calling for this weekend’s Premier League card to be postponed along with next week’s Milk Cup non-events. “It would give everyone a week at least to clean and do everything at the training ground so everything is fine and we
break the chain at every club,” he reasoned, a verb The Fiver uses advisedly, given nobody listens to any these days. “We want to carry on but this way we can have Boxing Day going no problem, 100% sure of that.” A roadmap to save festive football right there. Expect the authorities to act on 27 December, then. The Fiver will return when football restarts in mid-February. See you!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It is such a big issue and no one else was talking about it. That made me sad, depressed even. I thought: ‘We have a mega-problem here and what am I doing? Playing football.’ That didn’t make sense to me” – Sampdoria and Norway’s Morten Thorsby on how reading Big Website inspired him to become a climate activist.
FIVER LETTERS
“As a callow youth I bunked off school to follow Ipswich to Camp Nou, ticketless. In the lobby of the Hotel Presidente, which I’d staked out, a smiling Bobby Robson handed me a ticket and I watched Johan Cruyff engineer Ipswich’s exit in some now-recalibrated cup. On Wednesday night a couple of hundred unfortunate souls travelled to Barrow to watch Ipswich’s latest cup exit, having had their costs covered by the kindly club. From Barça to Barrow, the gifting continues” – Lindsay Williams.
“Mikel Arteta’s non-stop pointing, shouting and wild arm-flapping from the sidelines might have helped his team win against West Ham, so I wondered if his management style might be replicated at my place of work. It would mean my line-manager waving his arms at me as I tried to study some data, standing at my shoulder screaming at me as I typed up a report, and following me down to the mail room urging me to walk faster and hit the out-tray earlier. I’d soon want to kill him. But on the whole it would probably be better than the emails I get from my HR department” – Charles Antaki.
“You said that it wouldn’t have been a surprise to see Marcelo Bielsa call up a radio station and demand his own head (yesterday’s Fiver). He would have had to have got his interpreter to do it, which would have led to some fun afterwards when the interpreter tried to explain to the Leeds chief suit that, ‘no, when I said “I” should be sacked, I meant him. What do you mean, too late now?’” – David Rowland.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Lindsay Williams.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Patrick Assoumou Eyi, a long-serving coach in Gabon, is facing claims he raped, groomed and exploited young players. One former player who was coached by Eyi said that the coach would lure alleged victims to his home, which he called the “Garden of Eden”.
The FA has given Walsall defender Emmanuel Monthe a seven-game ban for making a homophobic comment to a Forest Green player while with Tranmere last season.
Salernitana are in danger of being binned from Serie A after no acceptable offers were made in a forced sale of the club.
It wasn’t pretty, but Arsenal are through to the Women’s Big Cup quarter-finals despite a 4-1 gubbing by Hoffenheim. “We had a five-minute period in the second half which [was] unacceptable,” fumed manager Jonas Eidevall.
The Premier League points had to be shared by Crystal Palace and Southampton after a 2-2 draw, while Brighton are now 11 games without a win after losing 1-0 to Wolves.
A 10-man Queen’s Celtic just about kept on the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers’ Scottish Premiership coattails after Anthony Ralston’s injury-time winner at Ross County. “They scored in the seventh minute of added-on time, I don’t know how that happened,” sniffed County’s Malky Mackay. “It felt at one point as if we were playing until they scored.”
And Ipswich are close to appointing Kieran McKenna, Manchester United’s first-team coach, as their manager.
STILL WANT MORE?
The remarkable second coming of Anthony Modeste at Köln. By Andy Brassell.
Gabriel Martinelli slowed down to speed up his menace for Arsenal, according to Nick Ames.
Football, Welsh culture and identity. A new film from Copa90.
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