Stephen Colbert on Putin and Ukraine: ‘Probably smart not to trust Vlad on this one’
On Tuesday evening, Stephen Colbert tentatively celebrated the possibility that Russia would remove some troops from the Ukrainian border, deescalating a tense international standoff that has threatened military conflict. “OK, so Russia might be pulling out,” the Late Show host said. “That would be good, right, Joe?”
To quote Joe Biden on Tuesday: “That would be good, but we have not yet verified that, and danger remains distinctly possible.”
“OK, probably smart not to trust Vlad on this one – dudes like him never pull out when they say they will,” Colbert quipped. (Nato has since accused Russia of adding more troops to the border despite saying it would withdraw forces.)
Information on troop movements has come from videos by Ukrainian and Russian civilians posted to TikTok, prompting some to refer to the conflict as “the TikTok war”.
“Oh no, not a TikTok war! That would be … I don’t know what that would be. I’m 57,” said Colbert. “Instead of TikTok war, can it be just a longform podcast battle or a stack-of-oldNew-Yorkers conflict?”
In other news, the Oscars announced three hosts for its ceremony next month: Amy Schumer, Regina Hall and Wanda Sykes. “Three hosts, meaning this year, there could be more people hosting the Oscars than watching them,” joked Colbert.
“The Oscars are trying something new this year: caring what the audience thinks,” he added, by allowing Twitter users to vote on their favorite movies, whether it was nominated for an Oscar or not. The top-voted film will be recognized during the broadcast, and three Twitter users will also be selected for an all-expenses paid trip to Los Angeles to be present at the 2023 ceremony.
“So get ready to hear: ‘And now, presenting the award for best actor in a supporting role, Dame Helen Mirren and Twitter user @buttburgerpimp420,’” said Colbert.
Trevor Noah
On The Daily Show, Trevor Noah discussed a wave of book ban attempts in American schools; since the start of the school year, the American Library Association has tracked over 230 book challenges in school districts across the country.
Parents wanting some books banned from school libraries isn’t new – “conservatives wanted to ban Harry Potter for promoting witchcraft, liberals want to ban Huckleberry Finn for using the N-word, mockingbirds want to burn that book about killing them,” Noah explained. But the number of books targeted in recent months has soared, “and the types of books being targeted now are very revealing”.
Namely, books on race, gender and sexuality, such as Maus, a Pulitzer-winning graphic novel on the Holocaust, books on school segregation and civil rights, even a biography of Michelle Obama. “I can’t believe these people want to ban a Michelle Obama biography. It’s a biography,” said Noah. “That totally gives away the game that this is more about ginning up a culture war than protecting kids.”
“There’s no book about a first lady that’s controversial, you know? Unless maybe it’s Martha Jefferson’s book ‘101 Tips for Owning Slave Children Who Kinda Look Like My Husband,’” Noah joked. “Yeah, that’s a little edgy for the kids, but otherwise it’s pretty chill.
“This isn’t about books,” he concluded of the bans. “This is about keeping the culture war going for political benefit.”
Jimmy Kimmel
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel reacted to news that Mazars, Donald Trump’s longtime accountancy firm, had severed ties with the former president amid ongoing criminal and civil investigations into whether he illegally inflated the worth of his assets.
In a letter to the Trump Organization, the accounting firm acknowledged that its financial statements for Trump between June 2011 and June 2020 “should no longer be relied upon” – a conclusion “based, in part, upon the filings made by the New York attorney general on January 18, 2022, our own investigation, and information received from internal and external sources.”
“In other words: we are not going to prison with you, Mr Trump,” said Kimmel.
“There’s nothing more depressing than getting dumped by your accountant during tax season,” he added. “It’s like getting divorced on Christmas Eve.
“I like the idea of Donald Trump now angrily setting up a TurboTax account to get his taxes done.
“A lot of people believe this could be it for Donald Trump, this could be the one,” he continued. “But I don’t know, how many ‘the ones’ have we had now? Like 400 or something? Last week we found out he was flushing documents down the toilet. The week before that he wanted Homeland Security to seize the voting machines. He’s still on the loose – what else do we need to know?”