Colbert on Volodymyr Zelenskiy: ‘Is everyone in Ukraine that badass?’
Stephen Colbert opened Monday’s Late Show with moving images from the war in Ukraine. “We all knew this was going to happen for weeks, but there’s a difference between knowing it’s coming and watching it happen,” he said of photos of refugees fleeing to the Polish border, men trying to stop tanks with their bare hands and outmanned and outgunned Ukrainian volunteers readying to fight the Russian invaders.
“Russia’s invasion of Ukraine is a humanitarian crisis, but also it is a triumph of humanity, because despite all of Russia’s military prowess, ordinary people of Ukraine will not back down or bow down,” he added. The Ukrainian defense ministry, for example, instructed citizens to make molotov cocktails and released instructions on how to do so.
“That’s great, but did they really need instructions on making molotov cocktails?” Colbert wondered. “It’s a pretty simple recipe: bottle, kerosene, rag, explode to taste.”
And “perhaps the greatest symbol of their indomitable resistance”, Colbert continued, is the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelenskiy, who has remained in Kyiv and turned down an offer from the US of evacuation, saying: “I need ammunition, not a ride.”
“Is everyone in Ukraine that badass?” Colbert mused. “He’s not fleeing, he’s not abandoning ship. He’s staying! He’s like the captain of the Titanic, if the Titanic spent five days successfully beating the iceberg.”
Trevor Noah
On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah reacted to Vladimir Putin threatening to “activate” his nuclear arsenal over the weekend. “You see, people? This is why every crazy world leader needs a pasty son-in-law by his side – keeps them in check,” he said over a photo of Donald Trump next to Jared Kushner. “Because no father-in-law wants to act the fool in front of the man who’s banging his daughter, you know?”
The fact that Putin put his nuclear forces on high alert is scary, Noah acknowledged, but there’s no reason to panic. “Yes, the threat of nuclear annihilation may have increased,” he said. “Yes, we may be on the brink of World War III, and yes, Europe is once again at the mercy of one power-hungry dictator. But on the bright side, when was the last time you thought about Covid?”
Coverage of the war in Ukraine has consumed the vast majority of TV news, and “beyond the war, there’s a really interesting thing that I learned”, Noah said. “And that is: a lot of people on TV didn’t expect a war like this to happen in, let’s say, ‘certain neighborhoods’.”
Said one CBS correspondent in Kyiv: “This isn’t a place, with all due respect, like Iraq or Afghanistan … this is a relatively civilized, relatively European – I have to choose those words carefully, too – city where you wouldn’t expect that or hope that it’s going to happen.”
“Wow, that was you choosing your words carefully?” Noah responded. “So what were you going to say if you weren’t choosing your words carefully? ‘I just hope the next time this happens, it happens back in the Middle East where it belongs.’”
Racism aside – and that’s a big aside, Noah added – such remarks showed a blatant ignorance of history. “You do realize that until very recently, fighting crazy wars was Europe’s thing,” said Noah. “That was Europe’s entire thing! That’s all of European history!”
Seth Meyers
“No one, not even apparently Putin’s own officials, is watching this horrific war, and the humanitarian catastrophe that is unfolding right now, and thinking gee, this Putin guy is a genius,” said Seth Meyers on Late Night.
No one, that is, except for Donald Trump, who doubled down on his praise of Putin’s invasion at this weekend’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). “Yes he’s smart,” he said of Putin. “The Nato nations and indeed the world, as he looks over what’s happening strategically with no repercussions or threats whatsoever, they’re not so smart. They’re looking the opposite of smart.”
His remarks make less sense from there and involve Trump musing that Putin thinks “they’re not going to blow us to pieces at least psychologically?”
“Nothing is funnier than a person saying ‘you’re not smart’ and then the best way they can come up to describe the opposite of smart are the words ‘opposite of smart’,” said Meyers. “Also, what the hell are you talking about? ‘Blow Putin to pieces psychologically’ – what do you want us to do? Get him high and play Dark Side of the Moon synced up to the Wizard of Oz?”
Jimmy Kimmel
“The Ukrainians are not giving up,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Monday evening. “They’re showing great courage in the shadow of the murderer Vladimir Putin, a man whose list of admirers is now down to Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump.”
Trump, Kimmel noted, also said at CPAC that the invasion of Ukraine would not have happened if he was still president. “It would have been so easy for me to stop this travesty from happening. [Putin] understood me, and he understood that I didn’t play games,” he said, and promised that “someday” he’d tell everyone about his conversations with Putin.
“What does he think this is, How I Met Your Dictator?” Kimmel quipped. “The idea that Putin understood he doesn’t play games – all Donald Trump does is play games. He hosted a game show!
“I don’t know about you,” he added, “but I am not particularly interested in hearing Captain Bonespurs’ thoughts on war when his only military credentials are leading an attack on his own vice-president at the Capitol.”