The Guardian (USA)

We’re a queer couple looking for co-parents to raise a child with. It’s been quite a saga

- Eleanor Margolis

“Hi, do you need sperm? I have a supply ;) When do you want to meet?” This isn’t a message from somewhere deep within my hidden requests folder on Instagram. This seedy correspond­ence – in the most literal sense – is just one example of the kinds of messages my partner and I have been receiving over the past year in our search to find a couple or single person to coparent with.

For us, the ideal parenting setup would consist of three or four of us sharing responsibi­lity for a child (the others involved would also be responsibl­e for providing the sperm). The way we see it, why not use the implicit obstacles we face as a same-sex couple to become parents in a way that works for us and redefines the family unit completely?

There are a number of different matching services out there for those looking to find someone to raise a child with: PollenTree, CoParents, Just a Baby and others. We haven’t been impressed by the design of the websites or in some cases their charges, and some of them harbour some distinct creepiness.From men sending unsolicite­d offers of sperm, to those messaging us with elaborate fantasies about watching one of us give birth to their child, we’ve run into a number of what I suppose can only be called “procreatio­n freaks”.

Scrolling through the apps can be a jarring experience in itself when you’re not planning on sleeping with the person pictured. Some of them let you swipe – Tinder-style – through the faces of potential dads, as if what you’re looking for is attraction, rather than someone who’s going to do their fair share of nappy changing. So far, we’ve been on a few “dates” with potential fathers. None have gone horribly and we’ve met some really thoughtful people, but we’re yet to find anyone we fully gel with.

Because there are no norms for these kinds of meetups, we’re having to make up a lot as we go along. Ghosting might have become the norm in romantic dating, but we’ve been doing our best to avoid this on our co-parenting

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