‘There’s a huge problem’: New Zealand searches for new ways to tackle family violence
Joshua Wilson* was abandoned at birth and then adopted into a family where he was sexually abused by his father and violently tormented by his mother.
Cycling through state-run boys’ homes, he battled addiction and later wrestled with thoughts of ending his own life. On a particularly difficult night last month, Wilson sat alone in the bush, “contemplating being another statistic”, he says. He messaged these thoughts to his estranged partner, who responded with a link to a mental health app called innerBoy.
“It opened my eyes – it’s changed my life forever.”
The app is a digital tool designed to help men regulate their emotions by delving into their histories, patterns of thinking and behaviour. It is part of a growing effort in New Zealand to find new waysto address critically high rates of family violence by tackling mental health issues, trauma and abuse. Last year, the ministry of education announced a new curriculum designed to support mental health education in schools, citing a dramatic increase in the number of young people reporting serious mental health challenges. In 2021 the government announced Te Aorerekura, the country’s first national strategy for the elimination of family and sexual violence.
Dr Ang Jury, the CEO of Women’s Refuge, says innerBoy is a “winning formula”. She believes family violence isn’t taken seriously enough. Any solution to the problem, she says, must involve prevention.
Struggle for support
In New Zealand, police attend a family harm episode every three minutes. In the year ending June 2022, 175,573 family harm investigations were recorded, but the majority of incidents go unreported. Māori women are more likely to be affected by family and sexual violence than any other ethnicity, with nearly 50% experiencing partner abuse in their lifetime.
In April, the UN Committee on the Rights of the Child identified “serious concern about the persistent rates of abuse and neglect of, and violence against, children” in New Zealand, and noted a lack of services available to children who have suffered violence, abuse and trauma. At the same time, the country’s suicide rate for those
aged 15-19 was reported to be the highest of 41 OECD/EU countries, with suicide rates significantly higher for Māori men.
On the innerBoy app, users receive support from Taimalelagi Mataio Faafetai (Matt) Brown, who with his wife, Sarah, founded the program. More than 36,000 men signed up within the first hour of its launch earlier this year. Last month, its Instagram page reached close to 450,000 users.
Matt and Sarah Brown have worked in domestic violence prevention for a decade, and founded the anti-violence movement She Is Not Your Rehab. The couple begandeveloping the innerBoy app in 2020, as New Zealand faced long lockdowns during the Covid pandemic. Rates of domestic violence rose, with many left without support groups and resources needed to help them. During a television interview about domestic violence during lockdown, Brown invited those who were struggling to contact him for support around dealing with their anger.
“Thousands of men wrote,” Sarah says. “Matt was emailing back, and on FaceTime, Zoom, until 3am and I’d say, this is not sustainable, but clearly there’s a huge problem, and why is there nothing online? All we found were dated anger management programs. We don’t need people to manage their anger, we need people to look beneath their anger and see what the real emotion is.”
The innerBoy app asks users to sign up for 30 minutes a day for a 30-day program that provides prompts, questions and activities for users. It includes asking users how they feel, and to reflect on life experiences and how they survived them. The free app reflects an increase of online resources, including In Your Hands, a service finder tool released alongside the government’s Te Aorerekura strategy, and which also provides stories from those with violence in their past who have sought to change their behaviour.
Focus on compassion
Women’s Refuge’s Jury wants national programs implemented in schools where there’s a focus “not on red flags or unhealthy relationships, but learning about things like compassion, things that make it hard to abuse someone”.
Jase Williams, a former primary school principal and now facilitator and trainer in trauma informed practice, wears She Is Not Your Rehab merchandise “every single day – that’s how much I believe in it”.
In schools, Williams says a traumainformed approach focuses on understanding a person’s life experiences and background “rather than on what is wrong with them”.
The minister of education, Jan Tinetti, says New Zealand is beginning to change its education system to bring this approach into schools across the country. Tinetti says conversations in classes are moving “towards understanding the child within the context of their culture [and] relationships”.
Having worked on family violence support phone lines, Sarah recounts numerous calls from men who had not perpetuated violence but expressed concern they might cause harm. She says the app tries to help users better understand anger as a secondary emotion, and a consequence of buried emotion.
“Matt has worked with some of the most violent offenders in the country, and so many of them aren’t angry – they’re in deep grief and disappointment. When you’re someone who provides a safe space for those men, you don’t get the anger – you get all the other things.”
Wilson, a recent graduate of the innerBoy program, is hopeful about his future. He feels emboldened by his efforts to heal his relationship with himself, his history and his family. In the past, he struggled to find support and understanding, and finally found a program that resonated – one of mutual recognition.
“I didn’t know I had all these problems,” he says. “I thought it was normal.”
*Names have been changed to protect identities
In New Zealand, call or text on 1737 for support from a trained counsellor. Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP). Youthline – 0800 376 633, free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat. Samaritans – 0800 726 666 Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO). Healthline – 0800 611 116
In Australia, support is available at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and at MensLine on 1300 789 978. In the UK, the charity Mind is available on 0300 123 3393 and Childline on 0800 1111. In the US, call or text Mental Health America at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org
such strict ideas about sex instilled in her, it must have felt rebellious too. In the famously sexed-up programme, people compete to win the show – and prize money – by becoming a couple. Biala says her father was furious, but to her it was a show not about sex but dating. “Not many of the cast members actually do have sex. It never once crossed my mind – I knew I was never going to have sex [in the show]. People on the show were sexualised because of how they looked, but I didn’t think it was a sexual show. If anything, it’s a show about finding love and friendship.” There is, despite the sex-positive movement, still so much stigma about women having too much sex or enjoying it. “You’re shamed if you have sex with too many people, but then how are you supposed to figure out what you like and what you don’t like if you’re not having sex?” But it’s confusing because there’s also shame about not having sex or orgasms. “Everyone looks at you like you’re an absolute weirdo,” says Biala. “Like, what the hell have you been doing?”
When she put a post on Instagram for the documentary, saying she’d never had an orgasm – she has more than 676,000 followers, including old colleagues, church leaders and her mother – her nervousness about it made the experience so excruciating that she turned her phone off for the day. But plenty of women got in touch to say it was the same for them. “I was like: ‘I’m not the problem – there’s other people.’ It felt comforting, and like I’m not a weirdo. I had never met anyone like me, so I just felt this was my problem.”
How did it feel to meet women who were very sexually liberated? “It was eye-opening,” says Biala. She visits a sex club, goes shopping for sex toys and takes a masturbation class with a woman Biala says she is grateful to for showing self-pleasure in such a positive light “for people who are watching this, who maybe feel a bit dirty when it comes to masturbation or feel they should not do it or talk about it”.
It led to strange and awkward conversations. “We would finish filming on a Friday and have a group chat, and people would check up on me and be like: ‘How are you? Have you masturbated yet?’” She laughs. “Oh my god, this is so much pressure. I had the toys and had done all these classes and spoken to all these people, and I’ve been trying to get through my mental and emotional blocks – [but] I felt like I was on a schedule.”
These days Biala has a much healthier attitude towards sex, having had some therapy sessions. “There’s no shame in starting your journey, no matter how old you are, and finding out what those blocks are and working through them,” she says. Making the film has changed her. “I have unlearned a lot of the things I thought about sex, all the toxic attitudes. I felt like I was getting to know myself in this documentary and leaving all that shame behind.”
Secrets of the Female Orgasm is on Channel 4 on31 August at10pm.