Hate a nickname? Act early to stop it catching on, say etiquette experts
They are born in the workplace, at parties, even at home – sometimes against a person’s will. And once they catch on, they tend to spread like wildfire and can leave the subject wincing at the repeated utterances of the pesky diminutive.
And there is only one solution to stopping a nickname, according to the etiquette guide Debrett’s: get the requests in early to minimise any commotion over the correction.
Liz Wyse, an etiquette adviser at the country’s most famous manners manual, described names as “intrinsic to one’s identity”. As such, a person “should therefore have some degree of control over what they are called”.
“If you don’t like being called by a nickname, you really need to nip it in the bud. You don’t need to go into the reasons why; it should be sufficient simply to ask politely for it not to be used,” she added. “All attempts to stop people calling you by a nickname should be made in the first couple of months.”
But regardless of their provenance, nicknames are typically understood as signs of affection – even if some wish theirs had never been created. The trick, therefore, is to mask any irritation with nonchalance – even if it is faked.
Laura Windsor, who founded her own etiquette and protocol academy, recommends what she calls “the great phrase”. “You say: ‘I would prefer you called me …’ in a nice tone, with a smile and with kind eyes. Sometimes, body language is more important with the message,” she said.
“You should only call someone by a nickname if they give you permission to do so. It is basic respect.”
Jo Bryant, who is a tutor at the English Manner etiquette training institute, suggests a “lightly passive-aggressive approach” of polite humour, or heavily hinting through “all correspondence”. But if those do not work, she said: “Pretend not to react if someone summons you by the nickname (‘Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise you were talking to me’).”
Those who dare not take the route
of direct confrontation are recommended by Wyse to “repeatedly reiterate the name that you want to be called by and hope that the other person will pick up on the message. Sign your texts, emails etc with your desired name, use it when you leave voice messages.”
But permission seems to be assumed elsewhere. Sadiqul Islam, a British-Bangladeshi former army cadet instructor, was called “Izzy” by his colleagues without being asked. Wyse identifies this as “a legacy of the public school tendency to refer to pupils by their surnames”, but Islam seems ambivalent about it.
While recognising it as a “friendly gesture”, he said: “We would call each other by our surnames. I didn’t mind too much, but Islam has more of a meaning than just my surname. It is part of my religion, so I thought it probably should have been pronounced correctly.”
“The longer the nickname is used, the more it is likely to stick, or cause upset and embarrassment for both parties if you address your concerns,” Bryant said. “As with most things, it is best dealt with sooner and with a touch of light humour, before it escalates into a longer-term irritation or problem.”
If all else fails, there remains that most British of techniques to avoid an unwanted moniker: affected selfeffacement. But Windsor recommends self-deprecation only for those who have let it linger for too long.
She said: “You could blame it on yourself: ‘I’m so sorry, I should’ve told you from the start.’ Blame yourself, then state what you want. You never put the blame on another person; it’s always you who has done something wrong. It acts as a softener for what you’re aiming for.”