I find my mother-in-law completely infuriating. She isn’t a bad person. What should I do?
I find my mother-in-law completely infuriating. She really isn’t a bad person, nor has she done anything particularly terrible. In fact I think a lot of people would love to have her in their lives. She is thoughtful and sweet-natured.
However, she has a way of turning any situation into a negative story about her. This is particularly apparent with my son. Whenever we discuss him she will conclude with a story about how she was hard done by as a child. She always sees herself as the victim and this is extremely draining.
When she comes to stay she won’t do anything around the house for fear of getting it wrong. She feels unable to leave the house for fear of getting lost, although she is not elderly and has never got lost. Occasionally she asks if she can help, but if I do ask her to do something, she will say she doesn’t know how to. I end up running around like a headless chicken trying to do all the housework, childcare and host, in such a rage I can hardly speak to her after a week together. My husband is sympathetic and very helpful, sharing housework and childcare – but won’t broach the subject with her as he feels it will just upset her (it will).
I no longer want her to come and stay, but feel sad this will lead to her having less time with my son. I know I should grin and bear it and be grateful she comes to stay at all, but I just can’t. What should I do?
Eleanor says:When someone becomes your in-law, you get thrust into quite an intimate relationship. They’re in your house, your family, your parenting, your holidays, your life decisions, your emotional moments – but you didn’t get to test drive your compatibility in handling those things together.
Often, you also didn’t get many of the quotidian one-on-one moments that build closeness. Our other intimate relationships get built up slowly, over time, with lots of little demonstrations of each other’s trustworthiness and interest in continuing the relationship. With in-laws, often, people skip that bit. Especially if you live in different places, it’s easy to go straight to the structure and expectations of “forever family”.
So you wind up with this fantastic cocktail of stressors: massive enmeshment, quite quickly, with few low-cost exit options, and the expectation of intimacy without the candor or shared history that usually makes it possible. No wonder so many people find tension in this particular dyad!
Keeping this in mind might help you feel what you’re feeling, without reproach. You’re not just being mean, or taking an irrational dislike of a perfectly pleasant person. You’re feeling that this relationship isn’t strong enough for the tests it’s being put through – and in a