Want to find fulfilment? Here’s what my years as an agony aunt have taught me
Thanks to my column in this magazine, I get a lot of questions from members of the public and, while they are all about different subjects, I have noticed that many of them are about the same thing – a lack of fulfilment in life and how to find it. And, although each letter is very personal and specific, I think that, from such very specific questions, I can pan out and find in the answer certain universal principles that may be relevant to all of us who are searching for fulfilment. These, then, are the principles of finding fulfilment that I have gleaned from the past two years as the Observer’s agony aunt. The following is an excerpt from my new book, The Book You Want Everyone You Love to Read.
Often we make decisions in life based on two main things: how things feel on the inside and, in contrast, how things look to ourselves and others on the outside. I call it internal and external referencing. Sometimes these two drivers can be at odds with each other. To find fulfilment, you need to internally reference how you feel more than you need to externally reference how things merely appear – even if they look worthy.
I received a letter from a teacher who struggled with reconciling the two.
Why do we define people by what is limiting my life. Whenever we meet someone, the small talk inevitably turns to, “And what do you do?” For now, I am ready for that question. I am a teacher. Although there is satisfaction from the work, there is also the mental load of overseeing not only the education of pupils but increasingly their welfare and I struggle to juggle responsibilities of family and work.
I regularly think about packing it in for something that does not take up so much headspace. Being a teacher is how I have defined myself for 20 years. How could I square it with myself, if I had to describe myself with a non-professional job? I can’t imagine saying, “I stack shelves” or “I work in doggy daycare.”
When I try to discuss it with my dad, he says he would be “disappointed because I like telling people you are a teacher”.I have asked my own children about what they would like to do when they are grown-up and maybe I’ve unintentionally shown more approval when they lean towards something professional, but I now realise that all I want is for them to be happy. So, how do I find the courage to just be me, without a label? And how do I instil thisin my daughters?
Many of us work hard at being seen to be doing the right thing – doing things for our CV rather than for satisfaction in the present. If we are in the position where we can choose what sort of work we are going to do, it is important that we like how we feel when we involve ourselves in the work. That, I think, is more significant than merely liking the idea of the work. It should be satisfying not merely because it looks good to you and others, but because it feels good, too.
I would advise anyone who relates to this teacher’s letter to learn to internally reference more, which means working out how things feel to you, and do less external referencing, which is how things look to others. I’m not saying all external referencing is bad.