Communicate, negotiate and set a ‘kiss alarm’: bringing the spark back in long-term relationships
As the butterflies that once filled your stomach give way to chats about pantry moths, keeping the flames of desire alight can become a challenge.
While all the readers who shared their stories of reigniting the romance had different strategies when it came to the advice they’d share with others, one word came up again and again: communication.
Contrary to what Elvis Presley might have you believe, a little more conversation can lead to more action.
Stay off your phone
“It’s important that both parties are in it for the long haul: one person doing all the work, and the other doing nothing, leads to resentment. Put the other person first, because when you’re both doing that, it’s equal. When we have a date night, it’s no mobiles. If it’s an emergency they’ll leave a message and you can both listen to it.” – Anonymous, Queensland, with partner for 10 years
Or use it wisely
“We agreed upon a goodnight kiss alarm, around bedtime, so that no matter what we’re angry about, we’ll make time to kiss each other. I think having an actual ringing alarm (compared to leaving it on vibration) is important for two reasons: the ringing will disrupt whatever we might be arguing about, to remind us of this agreement; and neither party can pretend to not have heard it. This is an act of love from both sides. The goodnight kiss alarm has definitely kept us sillyhappy.” – Mia, Singapore, with partner for 22 years
Get away without kids
“We’ve always talked, often over breakfast: what we are thinking about ourselves, the children, broader issues. We make sure we talk about any
stresses between us until we are both satisfied with the answers we found. This can take several sessions across a couple of days. In the meantime we try to keep peace in the family by staying calm and maintaining communication with everyone. We remain to this day committed to our sexual relationship, accepting changes with understanding. In all this we’ve learned about each other and how we approach things differently. My advice to others would be to choose each other carefully. Make sure there’s a buzz between you. If you can, pray together. And have weekends away at least once a year without the children.” – Anonymous, Queensland, with partner for 50 years
Or just have a getaway
“While basically happy, our 34-year marriage has suffered through periods of intense stress and unhappiness. Recently we had had a fairly long lull regarding our lovemaking. A four-week hiking holiday to Japan earlier this year completely altered our connection. In that brief time we began to see each other with fresh, desiring eyes!
“It took us both by surprise how our physical attraction to one another suddenly returned to that hot and steamy feeling of new love. Lovemaking has been fantastic since. I’m enjoying the best sex of my life at the ripe old age of 63! Who would have thought? My husband is delighted by the whole situation!” – May, New South Wales, married for 34 years
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
“Our 27-year relationship has had its ups and downs. The spark has dwindled in various stages of child rearing, other external factors and demanding jobs were also to blame. Six years ago, I wondered if we’d pull through. My husband put himself out there to engage with me in shared activities like running, reminding me what a wonderful man he is. Very importantly, couples therapy helped us look at our relationship and each other with new eyes. Remember to give your relationship the time and care it deserves, and if you need to, get outside help from an experienced person. Once the solid foundation is back, you can go for broke with all the extra stuff.” – Anonymous, Australian Capital Territory, with partner for 27 years
Let the relationship evolve
“When my wife and I had finished raising our children and she decided she wanted to separate, I was desperate to find another way. I had said to her, very flippantly, that if she felt compelled to sleep with someone else to figure out if she really believed we were over I could live with that. Unfortunately she took me up on that with great enthusiasm. The fallout from that encounter was heartbreaking for me, but it also led me to engage with other women through dating apps, as we worked through what an open relationship might look like for us.
“I was upfront with women about the situation and my adventures made a me lot of great friends. What I discovered was that the bar is set so low that if you’re not a total prick, the odds are good you will find someone to muddle along with. Having learned that, I’m no longer holding on to the relationship with my wife in terror. I’m supremely confident that I am capable of finding another relationship, but nothing can compare to the 30 years of history we share.
“Ultimately if I can only eat at my favourite restaurant once a fortnight, I’ll miss it every other day, but fish and chips won’t make me feel better. I know who my wife is and I know who I want to be with. I know it’s not perfect, but we have found an accommodation. There was a lot of talking and therapy that had to happen for us to understand where so many wires had been crossed and how we might untangle them. The journey to this point has been hard but to my mind it’s been crucial for us both in order to really hear and understand each other and approach the relationship more equally.
“While I’d love to have a ‘cuddleevery-night-together’ wife, these days we live apart in different states, but there’s no more talk of separating. We speak daily, catch up once every few weeks and have great sex. That feels like a win to me.” – Anonymous, Victoria, married for 30 years
Make sure you’re both having fun “Remember the person you met all those years ago? They are still in there. Bring them out. That goes for you too. Share things with each other you wouldn’t with anyone else. Treat her like she matters and show her your attraction to her. Talk about what you both want sexually and have fun with it. Most importantly, make sure she enjoys it, and always reaches orgasm.” – Anonymous, Queensland, with partner for 30 years
And be open with each other
“After 20 years of actively choosing monogamy as a straight facing male/ female couple, we’ve recently opened up to ethical non-monogamy that embraces our bisexuality. It’s not that anything is or was missing, but our new arrangement allows us space to explore parts of ourselves that we can’t together. If anything it’s enhanced the sex life we share with each other.
“We use dating apps, like Feeld, to meet people and have agreed that we won’t play with people who are cheating. As a couple we prioritise mutual respect and supportive and open communication, including listening to and hearing each other. This means we can offer each other a safe space for sharing and exploring our individual and joint desires, not just in sex, but in life, work, friendships and love.” – Anonymous, New South Wales, together for more than 20 years
Want to take part in the next Intimate Details story? In the form below, tell us about what happened to your love life after quitting dating apps.