Stephen Colbert on wishing for alternatives to Biden-Trump: ‘Stop making up election fanfic’
Late-night hosts talk Taylor Swift posting about Super Tuesday without endorsing a candidate, Joe Biden’s new campaign strategy and Kyrsten Sinema’s decision not to run for re-election for the Senate.
Stephen Colbert
Given her extreme popularity and influence, many have wondered how Taylor Swift will handle the 2024 election. And on Tuesday, she gave a clue, by encouraging her 240 millionplus Instagram followers to vote in the Super Tuesday primaries without specifying a party or candidate.
“We haven’t seen a celebrity take a stance this boldly neutral since Rob Lowe went to an NFL game with a hat that said … NFL,” joked Stephen Colbert on Tuesday’s Late Show.
Colbert taped before the polls closed, but he already knew the result: “It’s Biden-Trump. It’s always been Biden-Trump. It will always be BidenTrump. But not if you ask the voters, who seem to still be in denial.”
He cited a recent poll which found that nearly half of voters think it’s likely that Democrats will replace Biden with another candidate before the election. “No! No, they won’t!” Colbert exclaimed. “It’s Trump versus Biden, stop making up election fanfic – ‘Ooh, what if Tom Brady comes out of retirement for president, he could make Gronk secretary of Gronking. And then they kiss.’”
The speculation has gotten so out of hand that on Tuesday, former first lady Michelle Obama’s office had to formally announce that she would not be running for president in 2024. “Which means she’s running … ,” Colbert deadpanned. “I for one hope she picks Gronk as a running mate.”
Meanwhile, Biden is reportedly adopting a strategy of “going for Trump’s jugular”, as advisers are convinced that Biden will rattle Trump if he taunts him daily, causing the former president to go “haywire” in public. “Yes, he’ll go crazy, as opposed to his current rational public message: ‘Me likey Mein Kampf, bing bing bang bang, Russia, ohhhhh,’” Colbert joked.
Seth Meyers
Super Tuesday was a big day for the Republican and Democratic primaries, or “where 16 states and one territory got together and held an intervention for Nikki Haley”, joked Seth Meyers on Late Night.
In a new print interview with the New Yorker, Biden assured that he would beat Trump and noted: “I am the only one who has ever beat him.”
“Well, that’s true unless you count E Jean Carroll, [New York attorney general] Letitia James, Covid, the free market and ramps,” Meyers quipped.
According to an inspector general report, the Trump White House pharmacy would give staffers Xanax and speed without prescriptions. “And one patient kept asking them, ‘Is there such a thing as reverse Viagra?’” said Meyers next to a photo of Melania Trump.
An Amazon warehouse near Seattle recently began testing a 5ft 9in robot that resembles a human. “He’s so lifelike, his Tinder profile says he’s 6ft 1in,” Meyers joked.
And photographers in Hawaii recently captured images of two male humpback whales having sex, “in case you’re wondering why Mike Pence is trying to shut down the beach”, said Meyers.
The Daily Show
And on The Daily Show, guest host Ronny Chieng mocked the retirement of Senator Kyrsten Sinema, who announced she would not run for re-election after polls showed her tracking at about only 10-15% of the vote, far less than her rivals.
“Senator Kyrsten Sinema is stepping down to spend more time with her family, Goldman and Sachs,” Chieng quipped, referring to her controversial move to preserve a tax break for the ultra-wealthy. “And I love how she says she’s not running for re-election in Arizona like it’s her choice. Totally not because you’re going to get your ass kicked. That’s like me saying, ‘Hey guys, I’m not going to be QB-ing for the Patriots this year.’ Guess what, nobody offered.”
During her time in office, Sinema, formerly a Democrat, drew the ire of her party colleagues for refusing to overturn the filibuster, which would have allowed the enshrinement of abortion protections, among other policies.
“It’s also funny how people usually like independents in this very tribal political climate. But you have to be a real shitty politician if you’re independent andeverybody hates you,” said Chieng. “Me personally, I actually like that Kyrsten Sinema taught everyone a very important lesson: that you can’t assume someone’s beliefs based on how they dress.
“She came on the scene like ‘Hey, everyone, look at my pink tutu, you know I’m liberal!’” he continued. “And then she walked into the Senate being like ‘Private equity gets everything! Drill those orphans for oil.’”