Would cry­onic sus­pen­sion be worth it?

Thoughts on be­ing put on ice per­ma­nently

The Hamburg Area Item - - Local News - Ca­role Christ­man Koch Wel­come To My World

Reprint: 2017 Funny Times

I just read in the pa­per some guy wishes to have his head frozen. Mainly, he’s an­tic­i­pat­ing that fu­ture sci­en­tists will have dis­cov­ered a way to cure a tu­mor or how to reat­tach a de­cap­i­tated head to a healthy body. This pro­ce­dure, where all or parts of a body are pre­served in a deep freeze, is called cry­onic sus­pen­sion.

The idea sounds in­trigu­ing. Per­haps this is some­thing my hus­band and I should con­sider, be­ing iced. Let me see…

I’d cer­tainly have to call our in­surance com­pany. If my hus­band con­sid­ers this al­ter­na­tive, what would be the death ben­e­fits, or should I say iced ben­e­fits for the sur­viv­ing spouse and chil­dren? I won­der if they’d even con­sider giv­ing us any­thing, know­ing he’d be liv­ing again in the fu­ture. I won­der if we’d have to draw up a new will, or maybe it would be called an im­mor­tal­ity will. There cer­tainly would be lots of new terminology in­volved. Things like the de­ceased would be changed to iced. Are the as­sets yours to keep when one “comes back” or do I be­queath them to the chil­dren? Of course, study­ing this new terminology would be the re­spon­si­bil­ity of the lawyers. Why worry over non­sen­si­cal things?

You know, when I think about it, no­body would get to cry at my funeral. I won­der if I’d miss peo­ple not cry­ing over me. Would I feel cheated? Af­ter all, I’ve been to plenty of funer­als and did my share of cry­ing. And what if one of us just gets their head iced, do you in­vite the fam­ily and friends to pay their re­spects to the torso?

Even news­pa­pers would have to change things a bit. How would they an­nounce my demise? They wouldn’t be able to list it un­der obituaries. Maybe a new col­umn could be started, like “ICED: John Doe’s head has been iced as of June 12, 2002. The rest of his body can be viewed at…” Well, it’s a start.

Of course, we’d have to con­sider the fi­nan­cial as­pect of cry­onic sus­pen­sion. Con­sid­er­ing the astro­nom­i­cal ex­pense of funeral, burial, and tomb­stone be­ing iced might be the cheaper al­ter­na­tive. Af­ter all, how much would it cost to freeze a body? I won­der, too, if th­ese Ice Foun­da­tions charge less for an arm ver­sus a whole body. I doubt one will need per­pet­ual care. I don’t think dust col­lects in an en­closed freezer.

On the other hand, what if there is a black out and the elec­tric goes off for hours? What if the coun­try’s eco­nomic sit­u­a­tion goes in a slump and the foun­da­tion goes out of busi­ness? Would they just pull the plug and let my body parts thaw out? I’d re­ally be in trou­ble if sci­en­tists haven’t in­vented a cure for what I was go­ing to die of in the first place.

In look­ing ahead, I’d have to de­ter­mine if it’s all worth it. I’ve al­ways been vain about my body. I just take a 30- minute bath­tub lounge, my body shriv­els up from size 16 to size 10. What would years of be­ing frozen via cry­onic sus­pen­sion do to my body? They’d have to guar­an­tee that my body would look bet­ter than it does now. Ab­so­lutely!

Then, too, sup­pose I only freeze my head and de­cide to be thawed out in the year 2500. It’s a prob­lem nowa­days hav­ing ac­cess to or­gan do­na­tions. Would any­one in the year 2500 want my head on their 26th cen­tury body? Since the be­gin­ning of time, we have pro­gressed in wis­dom and stature. By the year 2500 the nor­mal IQ could be 500. Who would want my 20th cen­tury IQ?

You know, my hus­band, chil­dren, and fam­ily mean a lot to me. I won­der how a great- great- great- great grand­child would treat me. Would they love this thawed out per­son in another’s body like my grand­chil­dren do today? I wouldn’t know any­one.

I’d imag­ine, upon wak­ing up, I’d have to spend lots of time at the li­brary. I’d cer­tainly have to catch up on years of his­tory in or­der to have a nor­mal con­ver­sa­tion with some­one. I wouldn’t have much time for a so­cial life, that’s for sure. What if my fam­ily moved to another planet? I’m so ac­cus­tomed to earth. Yet, if my fam­ily of fu­ture rel­a­tives is on planet Mars, I’d have to move.

The more I think on this, even though I’d be cured of the dis­ease I would have died of, my frail, wrin­kled body could pick up a new 26th cen­tury dis­ease. I could die the day af­ter be­ing thawed!

I think I’ll just for­get the whole thing.

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