El­iz­abeth War­ren – too real to have any real chance

The Herald-Sun (Sunday) - - Opinion - BY CELIA RIVENBARK Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-best­selling au­thor and colum­nist. Visit www.celiariven­bark.com.

I like El­iz­abeth War­ren be­cause she’s never wa­vered when it comes to call­ing out the bank­ing bad guys. She’s hard­work­ing, earnest and I’m cer­tain if you looked in her purse you’d find lip­stick, mints and a tat­tered wad of Kohl’s cash. What’s not to like? War­ren has spent her ca­reer with her teeth clamped on the an­kles of Wall Street cheaters and mort­gage lend­ing scam­mers. She’s a Ge­orgina Bai­ley in a land­scape lit­tered with too many Mr. Potters.

If she does emerge as the Demo­cratic fron­trun­ner, we should brace our­selves for Trump’s end­less tweets about her Poc­a­hon­tas-ness and sim­i­lar rub­bish. What else you got?

El­iz­abeth War­ren is the first one of roughly 4,576 Democrats to of­fi­cially an­nounce she wants to com­pete for the party’s pres­i­den­tial nom­i­na­tion so she’s get­ting all the ink for ex­actly one hot minute.

I don’t think the savvy Se­na­tor from Mas­sachusetts will win her party’s nom­i­na­tion be­cause we are a shal­low repub­lic and too many peo­ple whine “but she looks like Hil­lary.”

(On the other hand, Trump looks like Volde­mort so I’m not sure why phys­i­cal ap­pear­ance is rel­e­vant here.)

El­iz­abeth War­ren, a dogged cham­pion of the hard­work­ing and ha­rassed, is the an­tiAve­natti, that clown­ish porn star lawyer who never met a mir­ror he didn’t love and scar­ily pon­dered a pres­i­den­tial run for about eight sec­onds last year. Ave­natti’s pres­i­den­tial as­pi­ra­tions have been put on hold, we’re told, and we are hop­ing it’s the kind of hold you get when you call the ca­ble com­pany.

Your call is very im­por­tant to them by the way.

But, no, El­iz­abeth War­ren has sen­si­ble ideas and shoes and is, there­fore, doomed. Decades of con­sumer ad­vo­cacy mean nothing when you’ve got Beto out there drop­pin’ F bombs and be­ing all charis­matic and lanky.

I wouldn’t mind see­ing a War­ren/O’Rourke ticket but fear it would have rot­ten “op­tics,” a crim­i­nally overused word in­vented by pun­dits way back in 2018 to re­fer to how some­thing looks rather than how it is. War­ren’s chunky heels and Dress Barn jack­ets would make her seem ma­ter­nal stand­ing be­side Beto, all toothy grins and floppy as a wacky wav­ing in­flable on a car lot. While I like them both, you put them on the same ticket and sud­denly ev­ery­body’s think­ing “Mom! Meat­loaf!!!”

So what should we Dems do? I mean we only have 22 months to fig­ure this out. Or as Pres­i­dent Trump might say while hold­ing up two fingers: “this many.”

The time will pass quickly. Can any of you be­lieve it was only 22 months ago that a fresh-faced bean counter named Mick Mul­vaney could only dream of be­ing ap­pointed Sorta Kinda Chief of Staff But Not Re­ally? And doesn’t it seem like just yes­ter­day that Rex Tiller­son took his per­pet­ual scowl to North Ko­rea to talk tough be­fore Trump axed him for call­ing him a “mo­ron”? And just 22 months ago, Bey­once was preg­nant with twins and still made the rest of us feel fat.

Let’s do this quickly and blood­lessly, shall we?

(CAR­OLYN KASTER AP

Sen. El­iz­abeth War­ren.

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