2023: The Buddy Comedy

Given how bonkers Hollywood was in 2022, there was only one person to ask to predict 2023: a comedy writer. We tasked him with envisioning the year ahead — then pitch it as a movie

It’s hard to predict how 2023 will go for the entertainment industry. It’s also hard to pitch a movie.

But that’s never stopped anyone in this town from doing both with total confidence. Including me. Here we go …

So it’s a two-hander, a buddy comedy, kind of King of Comedy meets The Odd Couple — but it’s in 3D, like all the movies are now since Avatar: The Way of Water made you forget that it doesn’t work for anything but Avatars.

We open with a crane shot on a crowded theme park. From behind, we see a man waiting in a long line with his four grandkids, miserable because his Disney Genie+ card is stamped “inactive.” We close in to see that it’s former Disney CEO Bob Chapek (picture Dwayne Johnson). While a Mickey Mouse castmember poses with his grandkids, a stewing Chapek looks away. His eyes light upon a Steamboat Willie poster. And, for the first time, we see him smile. In 3D!

Chapek drops off his grandkids and then speeds through town, cutting hard turns around detours because all the streets are blocked for the seven different films being made about the FTX scandal, all starring Jonah Hill.

Eventually, Chapek runs onto the It Chapter 3 set, where a man is making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, putting them in a pile on a table. We see that it’s Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav (Rick Moranis’ comeback role) working at craft services to make sure director Andy Muschietti brings the film in under $10 million. He’s also crossing out all the script pages about the kid bent on avenging his murdered puppy, given all the buzz Dave Chappelle has generated for SNL with his opening monologue defending dog fighting.

Chapek tells Zaslav that at midnight on Dec. 31, the copyright runs out on Mickey Mouse. And he’s got a plan for revenge on Bob Iger. It’s a movie called Mickey Mouse: Rodent’s Wrath.

They agree to make the movie. Problem is, they need a star.

One that, Zaslav insists, works for $35 an hour.

We cut to the 2023 Oscars ceremony, where the Academy’s new president (and owner), Elon Musk, is presenting all the awards. When he announces Will Smith as best actor, Smith — who was banned, then unbanned, then rebanned from the ceremony — has instead sent a hologram of Chris Rock to accept the award on his behalf. In 3D! (Rock decides not to sue.)

Chapek races over to the Tower Bar, where Smith is making an acceptance speech to drunk tourists. Chapek tries to talk Smith into starring in Mickey Mouse: Rodent’s Wrath, but Smith passes, afraid of angering Iger.

Chapek leaves the restaurant, where he then spots Ezra Miller — who has been banned from all restaurants — berating the doorman. Chapek offers Miller a part as a serial killer in Rodent’s Wrath, to help soften Miller’s image.

They drive off to Zaslav’s house. As the two execs work with Miller on his role, the producers get a news alert. Kim Jong Un has issued a statement commending the results of the WGA vote: 114 percent of the members agree to strike. And they’ve gotten the DGA and SAG-AFTRA to join. Miller is out.

Worse yet, their marketing plan for the film falls apart when it takes the networks six months to notice that Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers have all stepped down from their jobs. Contract negotiations are holding up their replacements, which is tricky since they’re all being replaced by Kevin Hart, who is available only during meal breaks. And there’s no way Zaslav is going to pay the kind of ad rates being commanded by She’s Fantastic Made of Plastic, the country’s No. 1 podcast, in which the original cast rewatches Small Wonder.

Then, in a montage that’s an homage to the Judy Garland-Mickey Rooney movies, Zaslav and Chapek make the movie themselves. And it’s a hit! Rodent’s Wrath brings in $7 million, which makes it the No. 1, non-Avatar theatrical release of the year. Unfortunately, people love vengeful Mickey so much that he becomes the new baby Yoda — but because Mickey Mouse is now in the public domain, everyone can use Chapek’s hit character however they want. Iger seizes on this and starts merch-ing. Disney stock rises 30 percent by bringing boys to the theme parks with Rodent’s Wrath rides and selling plastic as-wielded-by-Mickey scimitars. Which slice at us in 3D!

Iger, thinking Chapek is a genius, brings him into his office to hire him back as his successor. Until Iger receives an alert on his phone. We fade out on Iger’s iPhone, which displays a poll showing Biden behind by 15 points to Ron DeSantis.