MIL sends mom of newborn girl tips for conceiving boy

Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: I gave birth to my first baby this year, a beautiful little girl. My mother-in-law waited a whole six weeks after her birth and then “discreetly” emailed me an article she found online on how to increase the chances of conceiving a boy “for next time.”

Let me be very clear: I’m still totally in the throes of the postpartum period, and I have never indicated to her that: (1) We are planning to have any more children. (2) We have hopes for a boy.

I am incandescent with rage at this email, which my mother-in-law made clear she did not intend me to show to my husband. Is this the sort of thing that can somehow be laughed off, or that I should make a Whole Big Thing about now, before she brings this toxicity into the wait for a hypothetical second grandchild? Enraged

Enraged: Holy freak show.

If you can genuinely laugh it off, then that’s always useful. We have only so much bandwidth, so much life, to burn on other people’s stupidities.

If you can’t, then reply: “What are you trying to say?”

There’s so much room for misinterpretation and hard feelings that asking her to clarify her intent is a logical first step. Either it’ll be benign and you’ll both be past it, it’ll be malignant and you’ll be able to address it promptly and decisively, or she’ll take a hint and back the erf off.

As always, I’m open to readers’ ideas. A sampling:

“Thank you for your advice. I’ll give it all the consideration it deserves.”

“Tell your son. He’s the one who determines the sex of our children.”

Be sure to show your husband the email so you can present a united front. And if he doesn’t see a problem, then that is a whole other problem you will need to deal with.

When something this over-the-top arrives as an email, I treat it as though it does not exist. No response at all. But this is Grandma’s one get-out-of-jail-free card. If she dares a follow-up email, I’d respond, “I have passed your concerns on to Doug. Susan.”

“Our daughter is perfect just as she is. Any future children will be perfect as they are. No tips needed, thanks.”

Ignore the email. I doubt she is a personality who will be able to absorb anything you have to say about her behavior. Whatever you write to her will not result in a satisfying exchange.

I continue to be amazed at women who seem to worship their male children and compete with their partners. For all of us with children now, it’s a reminder that boys are not better; boys are people; the women they eventually marry are on our family team.

I’ve noticed a trend of people getting far too invested in their grandchildren – to the point of, it seems, really interfering with that nuclear family. Please, people: Try to have identities outside of the new babies. In part so those babies can grow up not being the apple of everyone’s eye, but with a sense of balance, and also so your children can delight in growing their own family.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost .com or follow her on Facebook at www. facebook.com/carolyn.hax.