She’s on eggshells around ‘insecure and sensitive’ sister-in-law
Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: My brother’s wife is not a bad person, but she’s really insecure and sensitive to the point that it’s really hard to be myself around her. My husband and parents feel the same way.
Some examples: I once referred to a “waitress.” I got text messages for hours that night telling me I was horribly sexist for not using the term “server” instead. (I’m a woman, if that matters.) I apologized profusely for the sake of keeping the peace, but the texts didn’t stop. I ended up muting my phone. Another time, she got upset that my brother didn’t like some song on the radio that she liked. More recently, on a family vacation with our kids, I teased my brother in passing with a childhood nickname. He laughed, and we moved on. But she was upset because she thought I was making fun of him, was upset my brother didn’t agree, and stormed out of the condo we were renting and wandered around by herself.
I never know what’s going to set her off and ruin the night. And it happens frequently enough that my parents, husband and I are all always nervous about saying something she will find offensive.
I’m sort of over walking on eggshells around her, but if I upset her, my parents will be mad at me for not making an effort. My brother and I used to be very close but have drifted apart lately because we can’t really talk about anything substantive. He usually brings her everywhere. Do I have any options other than just avoiding her, or staying silent when I’m near her?
Family
Family: It must feel impossible to be yourself around her, but that’s exactly who you need to be. Not the one who wants to say aaaaaaagh whenever this happens, but the self who isn’t reacting.
For example, when you get the “server” text, don’t “apologize profusely for the sake of keeping the peace.” That’s not being true to yourself. Instead, ignore the text, or reply, “Oh right, thanks!” or hit the magic conversation-ending thumbs-up. Then no further engagement. When she’s upset about a song or nickname or whatever, try a non-sarcastic “Thanks for letting us know,” and change the subject. When she storms out, let her, and resume your vacation in progress. When she flips, you gently put the lid back on.
Refusing to tiptoe around her is an appropriate course of action regardless. It’s also the best way to salvage your relationship with your brother. Go back to talking about substantive and important things with him, as you kindly warmly firmly hold to your nonreactive responses to her eruptions. This is for his sake as much as yours; you say she’s “not a bad person,” but her behavior is disturbing and manipulative – just look at how many knots she got you to tie yourself into.
He “didn’t agree” with her on the nickname, which is promising, but it’s possible in other ways – out of your sight – that he also adjusts and edits and suppresses himself. The “brings her everywhere” hints at her control issues.
So commit to this course of action: Hold to your baseline self under her pressure; keep communication lines to your brother open.
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