‘Focus on what brings us together’
Best ways to discuss – or avoid – politics at Thanksgiving table
Lisa Ballenstine’s four adult children haven’t spent the holidays with her since she voted for former President Donald Trump in 2020.
“All the political stuff came up, and our family just has been so fractured,” Ballenstine, a 56-year-old resident of Naples, Florida, told USA TODAY. “I love my children. These have been the worst years of my life.”
Those tensions are beginning to subside this year, as three of her four children agreed to join the family Thanksgiving at Ballenstine’s mother-in-law’s house in Tennessee.
As her family finally convenes Thursday, Ballenstine, the owner of an aquascape installation business, said political opinions won’t be allowed at the table.
But that may be easier said than done.
And Ballenstine’s family isn’t alone. This Thanksgiving, as Americans travel far and wide to break bread with loved ones, many will be navigating – or trying to avoid – heated discussions over politics and debates dividing the country, from the upcoming 2024 presidential election to the ongoing war in Israel.
Psychologists and diversity, equity and inclusion experts told USA TODAY how families can chart a course through, or around, landmine-filled political discussions this year and enjoy a happy holiday.
Avoiding political discourse
Holidays are known as a time when people come together.
Sometimes that includes individuals who wouldn’t normally choose to be around each other, said Joshua Coleman, psychologist and author of “Rules of Estrangement.”
And as families start to discuss controversial issues, underlying dynamics can rise to the surface.
Those may include longstanding family disputes, sibling rivalries or other lingering feelings, all of which risk being triggered around the holiday dinner table, Coleman said.
If the goal this holiday season is to avoid conflict, he suggested that, before knocking on a relative’s door, people proactively weigh the situation they’re entering.
“It’s useful to kind of take your own temperature about your readiness to be in that environment,” Coleman said. “What’s the likelihood that it’s not going to go well, and you’re going to end up regretting having gone?”
Deciding whether to engage at the table
For those who attend family events, the methods of approaching political conversations this Thanksgiving will likely depend on individual relationship dynamics.
Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a clinical psychologist and host of the advice podcast “Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic,” recommended that anybody debating whether to tiptoe into political territory should first consider what outcomes they’re trying to achieve.
If the conversation is likely to devolve into an “I’m right, you’re wrong” screaming match, or “if the odds of listening and being heard are zero,” Kennedy-Moore said, it’s best to avoid the topic and try talking about other subjects instead.
“We want to focus on what brings us together,” she explained. “That could be our shared interest or shared experiences with people that we care about.”
Considering who will be in attendance is also important, Risha Grant, a DEI consultant, said, noting that not everyone in the room may want to take part in a politically charged discussion.
“Set ground rules,” she urged. “If you have to have the conversation, put guidelines around it because if you don’t, it’s going to get out of hand.”
Approach with empathy
When political debate is inevitable, Kennedy-Moore said the key to keeping the conversation civil is to approach the other person’s point of view with curiosity and understanding, rather than disdain.
“We have to tread gently and with focus on our common humanity, rather than blasting someone as you’re wrong, and you’re evil,” she warned.
The tone and location of the conversation can make a difference between a positive interaction and one that ends in a food fight.
“Try to keep it friendly. Skip the insults and the sarcasm and watch your body language,” Kennedy-Moore suggested. “Keep it open and relaxed, lean back, have your arms and your elbows away from your body – and definitely no pointing.”
She also recommended containing the discussion to a small group so yelling is less likely.
If tensions begin to rise, it’s time to swiftly end the discussion, Grant warned. Typically, she said, this is the point of no return when people begin to stop listening and instead dig their heels into the sand.
“Most likely people that are saying things that are absolutely rude and out of line on holidays don’t have any boundaries,” she said. “You have to set those boundaries and, I don’t say this lightly because family is very important, but even to the point of leaving.”