Divorce attorney offers relationship advice
Most people don’t know each other as well as they think they do
Clinton Township attorney Anthony Urbani has been practicing family law for more than 30 years. Through listening to his clients and understanding the things that shatter relationships, he believes he has developed a keen understanding for the ingredients needed to make a relationship succeed.
“It requires a great deal of humility and a great deal of commitment,” said Urbani.
Since the COVID pandemic, divorce has increased after being on the decline for several years. The disruption in long-standing family routines and so many people working from home the past months are things cited as contributing to the increase in couples splitting up.
Based on his experience as a divorce lawyer, Urbani came up with a list of what is needed to maintain a successful and happy relationship. He calls his manifesto “increasing the love factors and decreasing the risk factors” in a relationship. Here are Urbani’s main points:
Know yourself and know the other person. Understand what is important to you in life and what isn’t and what are you willing to fight for and give up and what are you willing to stand for. Observe and really listen to the other person to learn what their priorities are.
Proper and clear communication. Communicate clearly to the other person the things that are important to you. There is a difference between listening and hearing someone and communication must be done on a regular and consistent basis. Recognize that some messages may have to be communicated multiple times.
Testing is important. It sounds risky, and to a certain extent it is risky, but it is important. Forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes. Set aside anger, recognize guilt, and be willing to do the work to maintain the relationship.
Urbani notes that the kind of conversation and communication that is needed to determine longterm compatibility is often not part of the dating process. When something stresses a marriage or longterm relationship — like the COVID pandemic for example — it is often the first time a couple has discussed the “what ifs” presented by such a situation.
“When we’re dating, we don’t talk about things like ‘well, what if the worst thing happened; how are we going to support each other’,” said Urbani. “We don’t talk about what is important to us or what we see in the other person that we like. We are frightened to lose that relationship so we just try to enjoy the time together.”
Urbani expects that as we move out of the pandemic, divorce may decrease as people go back to working away from home and financial stresses are lessened,
“We will still have the same degree of unhappy marriages, but I think we will see less divorce because people will be back to just living their own separate lives,” said Urbani.
While Urbani’s revelation about relationship risk factors may not affect the amount of people seeking divorce, it has affected the way he approaches his business. He’s not a marriage counselor by any means, but he now looks at his cases with a different eye.
“This assignment that I posed on myself to come up with what it takes to have a successful relationship has given me a new outlook on different things,” said Urbani. “I am still going to put on my suit of armor and fight for you to the max, but I want to know the big picture. Can I use my skills to help marriages rather than pull them apart? I think I can improve relationships but I don’t know if I can save them. People have to be willing to make a commitment.”