Marriage has become partnership of convenience

Although my husband and I are no longer in a romantic relationship, we are what I call “life partners.” After cancer left him impotent, he rejected any physical affection at all. I had an extramarital affair which lasted four years. My boyfriend passed away last year. I have no desire to be physically involved with my husband, but I do miss being affectionate and in a romantic (not necessarily sexual) relationship.

I feel empty, and I’m not sure if we should be considering divorce or continue in our day-today routine of being socially close but otherwise distant. We no longer share the same bedroom and we touch each other rarely. He has recently become more verbally and emotionally abusive during arguments, which may be the result of his recently reconnecting with his felon brother who had assaulted his wife. I’m not sure what direction to go.

— Hopeless in Pennsylvania

DEAR HOPELESS » The relationship you have described with your husband is not a “marriage” in the traditional sense. Ask your husband, in as nonconfrontational a way as possible, if he would like to remain married to you or be divorced. Explain clearly to him what your needs are and ask if he is willing or able to fulfill them. I cannot imagine why you would want to stay in a relationship that is becoming increasingly abusive. Consult a divorce lawyer and take your guidance from them about how to protect your interests BEFORE speaking to your husband, to ensure he doesn’t try to hide his (and your) assets.