DEAR ANNIE DEAR

Two years ago, I lost my husband to terminal cancer after 30 years of marriage. I kept him at home during his final days with the help of hospice and our three children.

Throughout this terrible time of my life, my BFF (best friend forever) was supportive, loving and available to listen to my fears and range of emotions. Being a widow herself, she understood exactly what I was going through. After my husband passed, she spent two weeks with me at my home. She was like an angel, there for me in my time of need.

During this time, I foolishly told her about the large insurance policy that my husband left to me. We have become even closer and spend time together going out to eat and shop on a weekly basis. In order to thank her, last fall, I invited her on a four-day trip to San Francisco, paying for her airline tickets and lodging. She went even though it meant leaving her second husband and family alone.

I have recently decided to rent a beachfront house in Texas for four months this winter. When I told her that I would love for her to visit, she immediately became very excited and said yes. It has now become very apparent that she is planning on spending the entire four months with me at my expense.

I have invited other girlfriends at different intervals to visit for three to five days and look forward to hosting them and having a fun getaway. I just found out that she has been inviting her children and grandchildren to visit her, too, but not her husband. I am feeling very taken advantage of and becoming resentful of her assuming the depth of my generosity. I am concerned about this destroying our friendship if I try to discuss it with her or by just giving in. Either way, I lose. What should I do, Annie?

— The Lost Friend DEAR LOST FRIEND: Firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been after a decadeslong marriage. I am glad you had the love and support of your children and the friend you mentioned to move through your grief.

Your best friend went above and beyond after your husband’s passing, and I imagine she knows just how much you appreciated it since she experienced a spouse’s loss herself. But friendship isn’t a scorecard. Her overwhelming kindness two years ago does not entitle her to be a part of everything you have and do now.

Since your husband’s death, you’ve done plenty to thank her for her support. Now it’s time to draw a line in the sand. Your BFF may not fully realize she’s taking advantage of you, so it’ll be your responsibility to communicate to her what is and isn’t OK and to stick to it. You have to honor yourself.

Let her know when it works for you for her to visit the Texas beach house this winter. Emphasize that this hiatus is meant for more than just the two of you but also for you and your children, you and your other girlfriends and most importantly, you and yourself.

DEAR ANNIE: My son has not spoken to me for eight years. He married a woman he met online in a matter of six months. I was very hesitant about his jumping into a marriage so quickly with a stranger. I’m a mother who wants a happy life for her children.

About eight years ago, I had surgery and texted my son to ask why he hadn’t come to see me or called. I got a response back, but it was not from my son; it was from his wife. This is what she said: “Well, he has a family now, and we come first, and he’ll get to you when he can.” After that, she and I exchanged a few words over text.

So, later that evening, I went over to talk to my son in person about the disrespect that his wife displayed, and he pretty much sided with her. I know she is his wife, but I’m his mother. He stopped talking to me after that and relocated to Florida. But now he’s back in the same city where I live.

I heard that he had a mental breakdown, and I called him at the hospital to offer my support. During the last time I spoke with him before he was released, he said his wife told him that she had a dream about my wishing that he would not get well.

That really upset me, and after he was released from the hospital, he cut off all contact with me again. He now lives with my daughter. I’m not speaking to my daughter because she has them living in her house. I just feel like they have betrayed me when all this time I’ve been a mother and father to them. Can you please help me move ahead, Annie? Thank you.

— Wanting Contact DEAR WANTING: The best way to move ahead is to take a step back — and look at the big picture. Your son is in an abusive relationship, and his wife is using your family as the scapegoat and saying that you are the cause of all problems, when, after being married to her for eight years, he ended up having a mental breakdown. The real question is, why does he allow his wife to say such terrible things about you and force him to cut ties with you?

Continue to reach out to your son in a loving and understanding way. Try to put your hurt feelings aside and see that he is the one really hurting now. It does not feel good to be disconnected from your parents and cut them out completely. He is hurting.

On top of that, you are being too hard on your daughter. Your children are not betraying you; they are surviving as best they can with the life situation they are in at the moment. Congratulate yourself that you were able to raise two siblings who love each other enough to help the other one out when they are having a tough time, which is exactly what your son is having. He needs to stick up to his wife, but he won’t be able to do that with low self-esteem. Until then, he will let this abusive woman continue to drive him into mental breakdowns. Support your son — he needs your help now more than ever — and don’t demand or ask anything of him. Just tell him you are there for him when he needs you and how much you love him.

“HOW CAN I FORGIVE MY CHEATING PARTNER?”

is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dear annie@creators.com.

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