DEAR ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE:
I have been going on a Super Bowl cruise for 14 years with the same group of people, including two couples and two ladies, one of whom is married and the other is single. We get together for breakfast every day, and then we break away and I hang out with one of the couples all day. The others usually find us in the afternoon and hang out with us. We split up several hours before dinner but eat dinner every night together.
Here is my problem. I have a friend coming on the cruise who got me into going on this trip over 17 years ago. She is coming with some of her friends, and she’s only been on this cruise one other time since she stopped cruising about 10 years ago. She and I know another couple who are our best friends. She talked to them about coming on the cruise. The wife didn’t really want to come, but her husband talked her into coming, telling her that the four of us would hang out. My problem is that the cruising couple I have been hanging out with for the last 14 years and the other couple and the single girl coming onboard expect me to hang out with them. The other couple I am close friends with knows the couple that I go on the cruise with, but I don’t think that the husband would want to hang out with them.
I have been on another vacation with this couple and the single girl and her same friends, and the husband didn’t want to hang out with those other folks all week, just us four. How do I hang out with both couples? I feel that I should say something to my friend, but I don’t know how to phrase it. I think he is going to get mad.
— At Odds at Sea DEAR AT ODDS: Just because you know everyone coming on the cruise doesn’t mean it’s your job to play cruise director. You don’t need to keep tabs on how the groups are getting along. Everyone coming aboard is an adult and is expected to act as such.
Enjoy your vacation and mingle with all your friends. Extend invitations for dinner, excursions and outings to all and leave it up to each person to decide if they’d like to join you and whoever else is attending. It’s possible this trip will spark new, genuine friendships. If not, that’s OK, too. There are plenty of activities to take part in over the course of the cruise that will keep everyone busy and having fun, whether that’s alone, with you, with a significant other or with newfound friends.
DEAR ANNIE: I’ve been married for four years now. My husband drinks a lot every day and night. I try to tell him he needs to quit, but he is bossy and says mean things to me. I try to talk to him about what’s on my mind, but I don’t know how to tell him some of these things. I was married before to a man who was a drunk. He hit me, said mean things, and put me and our daughter down all the time, so we got a divorce, and now I’m putting up with the same things from the guy I’m married to now.
— Over the Alcohol DEAR OVER THE ALCOHOL: It’s not uncommon for those with an alcohol problem to fail to realize or admit they have one. Try as you might, ultimately, the choice to sober up is one only your husband can make. Continue to express your concerns to him about his drinking and make sure that when you approach him, you’re doing so when he’s sober.
As someone who has encountered alcoholism in a previous marriage, too, you might find it helpful to attend your local Al-Anon meetings or speak with a licensed therapist about ways to cope with your husband’s behavior and get your own thoughts in order. Of course, if your second husband turns violent toward you as a result of his drinking, as your first husband did, you should absolutely seek help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can provide free local resources and support if and when you need it.
DEAR ANNIE: A few days ago, I was at a grocery store that was packed. Every cashier had long lines. There was a beautiful little girl, maybe 3 or 4 years old, in the line next to me who saw a Minnie Mouse balloon that she loved. I mean, really loved. I decided, what the heck, I’ll get it for her (first asking her parents if it was OK), because my twin girls are 16 and long past the age of being delighted by balloons. I tell this not to show how nice I am, but to relate what happened next.
The gentleman behind me cleaned the conveyor belt for the cashier. Someone else invited an older lady to go ahead of her in line. A young man paid for a harassed mother’s diapers and formula. It was as though the whole store got nicer and politer. Each kindness has a chain reaction, but usually you don’t get to see it. This time I did, and it was so cool.
— Choose to Be Kind DEAR CHOOSE TO BE KIND: Kindness is catching. Not only did your consideration ripple outward to everyone in that store; it’s now inspired me and, I’d wager, many reading this to try to be just a little more generous today. Thanks for writing.
“HOW CAN I FORGIVE MY CHEATING PARTNER?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.