DEAR ANNIE

DEAR

ANNIE: Should we just let this go? My wife and I were invited to my only sibling’s son’s wedding in August. We didn’t attend. For background: My only sister and I have lived our entire lives within minutes of each other. Three years ago, I retired and moved across the state, 240 miles away from her and her family. We were always close during those times, enjoying family events and celebrations.

My nephew’s wedding ceremony was on a Sunday evening, with a precelebration slated for Saturday evening. Both were at an outdoor venue (a park). To attend the weekend meant that we would’ve either driven five hours or flown. And as the invitation specified, there were rustic cabins to “camp” in for the weekend, or we could’ve found our own lodging. This was my nephew’s second marriage, and he and his now wife have lived together for at least five years and had a child shortly before the wedding.

After much thought, honestly, my wife and I just weren’t up to making the arrangements for a three-day trip. We sent our regrets a month before the wedding and a generous gift. After the wedding, I spoke with my sister, and she mentioned that “Dylan” was “a little hurt” that we didn’t attend. It’s now a month after the wedding. We have not received any note of a gift acknowledgment from the couple, and communication between my sister and me has chilled. Should I just let time pass and let this go?

— An Uncle Feeling Guilty DEAR FEELING GUILTY: It sounds like the relationship you had with your sister and her family when you lived closer to each other was an intimate one. With such an emphasis on family gatherings and celebrations especially, I could see how your nephew and his wife would feel a little miffed to not have you both in attendance at their wedding. While going through the necessary hoops to be there might have been a slight pain, it’s what we do for family (finances permitting). But it’s also important to note that, regardless of physical presence, the newlyweds should certainly have sent a thank-you note for the generous wedding gift. One month is a short time, however. You might still get a thank-you note.

Smooth things over with your sister and nephew’s family by suggesting a celebration lunch together sometime soon at a halfway point between you.

DEAR ANNIE: I have never sent in anything to a column before, but I’d like to say something from a grandkid’s perspective about “Brokenhearted Grandma.”

I do not acknowledge my grandmother unless I have to because we are usually in the same room. I will not go out of my way to talk to her. I actively avoid any situation where that would be a necessity. “Brokenhearted Grandma” sounded just like mine.

But the other side of the story is that she’s a horrible person. She sent us “lavish” gifts, but she was never there. She made no effort to be in our lives growing up, and she bashes both my sister and me as “the failure kids,” despite lucrative careers and a solid base in life.

She is narcissistic, conniving and pouts when she doesn’t get her way. She tries to play victim — like your letter writer — all the time. She and my grandfather were emotionally abusive and dismissive of all of their kids, and it took until this year for my mom to finally realize that none of us could stand her mother and that our grandmother acts like a spoiled 16-year-old.

There are so many instances I could name, but for the sake of argument, just remember, there are two sides to every story, and not all grandkids like this are lazy. Sometimes, they actually want nothing to do with a relative, and because we’re adults, we can make the decision to cut toxic people out of our lives. And it’s not like she’s not aware of it, but she plays the victim card very well.

— The Other Side of the Coin DEAR OTHER SIGN OF THE COIN: Every family situation is different, and if your grandmother is all those things you say, I don’t blame you for wanting to ignore her. Hearing about the other person’s perspectives is always important.

DEAR ANNIE: I would feel remiss not to email and let you know that the behavior of the future stepdaughter in “Caring For One Little Pig’s” letter may very well be due to undiagnosed ADHD or depression. Before we start taking things away from her, it would be a good idea to get her looked at by a physician or entered into some kind of counseling. It is certainly possible that she is just lazy, but a lot of the time, what adults see as lazy is actually executive dysfunction caused by other things.

ADHD and other neurodiversities are often underdiagnosed in girls. Instead of seeing this as something that the child is doing on purpose to the adults and then punishing her accordingly, why can’t we start with assuming good intentions and try to figure out where the block is? Thanks! — A Middle School Teacher Who

Was a Slob at 12 DEAR MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHER: A very worthwhile suggestion. Thank you for your perspective based on experience.

DEAR ANNIE: One of my sisters has been monitoring my bank account online for a while now. I don’t monitor her account or our brother’s account, so I have no idea why she is doing this. To me, it is a major violation of my privacy, and so I feel disrespected.

To stop her from doing it, I went to my bank recently and had them close the existing account and open up a new one.

Hopefully, this will put an end to my sister’s 100 percent uncalled for treatment.

What is your take on this situation, Annie?

— Coping with a Snoopy Sister Dear Snoopy Sister: Your bank account is none of her business, and her snooping is a huge violation of your privacy. I don’t understand how your sister was even granted access to your bank account in the first place. Regardless, you handled it well by opening a new account.

But what’s up with your sister? If you haven’t asked her, I would suggest that you have a serious conversation with her.

“HOW CAN I FORGIVE MY CHEATING PARTNER?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.