DEAR ANNIE

DEAR

ANNIE: You were kind enough to publish my article last year about parents who are grieving the loss of a child during the holidays. Would you be kind enough to republish what I’ve updated? Since this time last year, more children have died from an overdose. I am heartbroken about what all these parents are going through. I have spent much of the past year meeting with grieving parents. It’s a pain no parent should ever experience, a deep unrelenting anguish that chokes at one’s soul, snuffing out any hope for peace. The only reprieve we get is in sharing our stories with other grieving parents and finding ways to commemorate their short time on this earth. Thank you, Annie. I deeply appreciate it. Holidays for Grieving Parents Another year and set of holidays without my son “Sam.” Once again, no family dinners, no lounging around a roaring fire, no sharing tales, no loving banter, just a silent room that was once filled with laughter that’s now filled with sadness and silence. Sam, like so many other children in our nation, died from a fentanyl overdose.

Between roughly 10 percent and 12 percent of the general population will bury a child or grandchild in their lifetime. This number is unacceptable and heartbreaking. Chances are if you are reading this, you probably already know someone who is grieving the loss of a child during this holiday season.

Social media, commercials, billboards and the outdoor display of holiday ornaments have a way of amplifying a parent’s grief. It is a painful reminder that yet another year has passed without our loved one. So, what do you say to someone who’s mourning during the holidays? If your friend’s loss is recent, wishing them “happy holidays”—or happy anything from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day—might come across as if you don’t realize (or care about) the permanence of their grief. On the other hand, saying nothing at all speaks a louder message of indifference than shouted words.

Like the scent of candles, grief remains in the air of the holidays even amid the beauty and joy of the season. Saying something is better than saying nothing. Well-thought words can soothe wounded hearts. (Notice I said “soothe” and not “heal?” You can’t “fix” anyone’s grief, but you can offer consoling support that doesn’t deepen pain.)

When talking about the holidays with loved ones, strive to be thoughtful and deliberate in your choice of words. Before losing Sam, I may have unintentionally hurt other parents who were grieving the loss of children just by repeating the same phrases I had heard and said for years. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful:

≤ “I’m thinking of you during the holidays. I know they are difficult without Sam.”

≤ “Will you join us for Hanukkah, Christmas Dinner, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, etc.? We realize you might not want to be alone.”

≤ “I know the new year can be a reminder of how much time has passed since losing Sam. I am so sorry.”

≤ “May I come visit with you during the holidays?”

≤ “I’d love to hear stories about Sam.”

Plan to commemorate instead of celebrate. Invite grieving friends to a gathering rather than a party. Acknowledge awareness of your friend’s ongoing grief rather than assuming they should already feel or do anything expected by others, and avoid “at least” statements, which diminish the importance and impact of mourners’ losses.

Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers as we enter our second holiday season without Sam.

— From a Still Grieving Father DEAR GRIEVING FATHER: Thank you for your updated letter. I share it again with the hope that it continues to guide those who are grieving during this time of year. Now and always, I send my deepest condolences for your loss and immense love to you, your family and anyone else who is in mourning this holiday season.

DEAR READERS: Wishing you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas.

“CHRISTMAS BELLS” by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1863 I heard the bells on Christmas Day Their old, familiar carols play, And wild and sweet

The words repeat

Of peace on earth, goodwill to men! And thought how, as the day had come,

The belfries of all Christendom Had rolled along

The unbroken song

Of peace on earth, goodwill to men! Till ringing, singing on its way, The world revolved from night to day,

A voice, a chime,

A chant sublime

Of peace on earth, goodwill to men! Then from each black, accursed mouth

The cannon thundered in the South, And with the sound

The carols drowned

Of peace on earth, goodwill to men! It was as if an earthquake rent The hearth-stones of a continent, And made forlorn

The households born

Of peace on earth, goodwill to men! And in despair I bowed my head; “There is no peace on earth,” I said; “For hate is strong,

And mocks the song

Of peace on earth, goodwill to men!”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep; The Wrong shall fail,

The Right prevail,

With peace on earth, goodwill to men.”

“SNOW-FLAKES” by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1893

Out of the bosom of the Air,

Out of the cloud-folds of her garments shaken,

Over the woodlands brown and bare,

Over the harvest-fields forsaken, Silent, and soft, and slow Descends the snow.

Even as our cloudy fancies take Suddenly shape in some divine expression,

Even as the troubled heart doth make

In the white countenance confession,

The troubled sky reveals

The grief it feels.

This is the poem of the air, Slowly in silent syllables recorded; This is the secret of despair, Long in its cloudy bosom hoarded, Now whispered and revealed To wood and field.

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