DEAR ANNIE

DEAR ANNIE:

I see that you often answer questions pertaining to families trapped in addiction. I grew up in that special hell with all of the complex trauma issues that go along with that lifestyle.

I am a card-carrying member of Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous and Adult Children of Alcoholics. I have found ACA the most helpful. You never mention it, so I thought I might bring it to your attention. The Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families goes beyond Al-Anon. Sometimes, these addictions were in the previous generation, and while our parents didn’t drink, all of the emotional non-sobriety was there. ACA teaches us to go back, reparent our inner child, learn what we didn’t receive as children, then reparent and provide that love and support to ourselves. Just a suggestion. May you research it and find it useful. — Alternative Around Alcoholism DEAR ALTERNATIVE: A wonderful suggestion indeed — many thanks. You’re right that ACA reaches past Al-Anon to help those plagued with experiences of alcoholism but also general dysfunction in their childhood and home lives. Some chapters are still being developed, so if you’re interested, consult the web to see what options are available in your region.

DEAR ANNIE: I have been with my fiance for 21 years, and we’ve been engaged for nine. We have three beautiful girls together, and he has two older kids from his previous marriage. He has always made me feel like second best. He always puts his ex’s feelings before mine and never takes what I say into consideration. I bring this up to him, and he says that I need to grow up. He tells me that my daughters and I should know our place as women.

He caters to his other two kids all the time and listens to them, but when it comes to our girls, he tells them to stop being sissies and to shut up. He tells his older kids to be there for their mom and help her out, and to my girls, he says I’m lazy and don’t care. I work 50-plus hours at the hospital and take our kids to sports while he expects to have a full-course meal on the table and for me to cater to all of his needs. He says he works hard and “doesn’t have time for this crap.” I no longer know what to do. He makes me feel unworthy, unappreciated and devalued as a human. I no longer want to be intimate with him because he makes me feel so bad about myself. I am in a verbally abusive relationship. What should I do? My girls are also being verbally disrespected. — Woman in Need of Relationship

Advice DEAR WOMAN IN NEED: You aren’t a woman in need of relationship advice; you’re a woman in need of a new relationship. This man is a walking red flag, from his disrespect toward you and your daughters to his lack of contribution in your home life to his verbal abuse and, I can’t help but notice, his failure to solidify your relationship in marriage after two decades together and a ring already on your finger.

Sharing children with this man means you will always be tied to each other, but that doesn’t mean you have to be his wife-in-waiting or his keeper anymore. Put a stop to this mistreatment. Put yourself and your happiness first. Show your girls what a healthy, loving relationship looks like and what not to settle for. There’s someone else out there who is just waiting for the chance to love you.

DEAR ANNIE: I am struggling with what to do about one of my very best friends who is basically family to me at this point. Throughout our friendship, I have noticed that she does not say “thank you” very often. This includes when a gift is given to her or even when a customer purchases something in person from her small business.

When I have sent her stuff in the past, oftentimes I would have to reach out to see if she even received it. When she got married, she did not send thank-you notes to any of her guests. She did not have the best upbringing, and I always wondered if her parents never taught her the importance of saying “thank you.”

When I was a kid, my mom always made me send thank-you notes when I received birthday gifts or Christmas gifts. This year, I sent her young daughter a gift card for Christmas. When I didn’t hear from her a couple weeks after I mailed it, I reached out to be sure that they had received it. She told me they did and told me what they purchased with it, but she still never even said “thank you.” This time has really rubbed me the wrong way, as I don’t understand how someone doesn’t say “thank you” at that point.

It makes me wonder if I should even send anything to them anymore at all. What advice do you have for me in how to handle this? Do I say something to her? If so, how? Do I stop sending things, or do I just let it go? If this ever gets published, parents, please teach your kids the importance of saying “thank you,” whether it be through a card, text message or phone call. No matter if it’s something large or small, someone took the time to think of you, so you can take the time to acknowledge that.

— Thank You Goes a Long Way DEAR THANK YOU: Try not to judge your friend too harshly. You say that this time rubs you the wrong way, and you don’t understand how someone cannot say “thank you,” but you acknowledge that you had a wonderful mom who taught you the importance of saying “thank you” for a gift, and your friend did not. She was dealt a different hand in childhood and was never made aware of the importance of saying “thank you.”

You said that your friend is like family to you, so treat her as such. Be a friend and tell her exactly how important saying “thank you” is to you. My guess is that she is not doing this intentionally at all. When we know better, we do better. What a wonderful friend you could be to her by pointing out a great habit that your mom pointed out to you all those years ago. Hopefully, she can pass that advice along to her daughters and they will break the cycle of ingratitude and pick up a wonderful habit — all because you passed on your mother’s good teachings.

So as not to offend her after you tell her about the importance of thank-you notes, is there is anything that you do that bothers her? Think of something she might have mentioned, and tell her you are working to improve. That way, you are both acting like mature adults trying to better yourselves.

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